You call me too much. You call me all the damn time and we don’t talk about anything. Nothing. Nothing important or even relatively interesting happened in your life or mine between now and the last time we talked which, in all likelihood, was prolly like 5 hours ago. I’ve tried to just not pick the phone up hoping that you’d get the hint and just try calling back later…like tomorrow. But no, you call right back. No answer. Third times a charm. No, it’s not. It’s not a charm. Four times the phone rings and I pick up to see if it’s some matter of life or death…but it’s not. It’s just you on the other line, alive and well with no new or even interesting old subject matter to discuss. I find myself sometimes almost disappointed that your car hasn’t careened off the side of the road and burst into flames or that you aren’t somehow stuck in a airtight container and are running out of oxygen. No, you’re in pristine health and you have absolutely nothing to say. I make attempts to drive the conversation towards something of mutual interest, but that’s pointless. All I get from my questions of “How’s _______ doing over there?” or “What’s one thing you could change about Cali?”are dull and boring one-word answers of “Fine”and “I dunno” .

I’d rather staple my nuts to a burning building than continue this phone conversation any longer than it has to. And right as I begin talking about something I’m actually interested or excited about, you interrupt me mid-sentence w/ “Hey, I gotta go. Talk to you later.” Click.

This is what I want to tell you but can’t. I can’t because as soon as I tell you that “You call too much”, I know that instead of hearing what I said and just calling slightly less frequent or even just calling when you have something to say, instead you will interpret this as “I hate you. You are undesirable and I want you to never call me again.” Maybe not that exactly, but that’s how it comes off. The truth of the matter is that I actually enjoy hearing your voice and like spending time with you, but what I don’t enjoy is pointless communication because….that is by definition not communication. I’m not even a phone person, so if I’m going to be on the phone, there needs to be some kind of point of the conversation. If it’s gonna be one of those “We talked all night about nothing” kind of conversations, then there needs to be several points or at least some topics of mutual interest. Most people have about 2 major milestones in their day and one of those is work/school. Twenty-four hours is a very short period of time and with a few exceptions out of the year, very little happens in one day. So I don’t need to talk to you everyday, especially if you aren’t my girlfriend or “special friend”.

I’ve thought of about a million ways to tell you this, but each one as useless as the next. I almost wish you were a crazy-ass so I could just never speak to you again, but that’s not the case. For whatever reason, I’d rather put up with this nonsense than have you stop calling me, which you will (because you’re programmed to react like that). Apparently I have an unhealthy addiction to you, and if that means enduring an infinite barrage of meaningless and mind-numbing conversations, then I guess that’s the price I have to pay to feed my obsession. Damn.

Let me first say that I’m getting really tired of the fact that every time I talk to one of my very good girlfriends, the conversation seems to always stray off into why no one wants them, or how they’re lonely, or how these guys are ___________.

No one’s provided me w/ any information as to why this is, and although there are theories, nothing concrete. As a result, I have to just assume that when you’re a female and 22-25 yrs old, your own personal worth is determined by the success (or lack) of your significant other, and if you’re one of those hags unlucky enough to NOT have a man, then you might as well just sew it up now and join a convent.

But I digress, this Genius Theory comes from a convo I had w/ one of my very good female friends. She’d been talking to a feller for a little over 2 months and was wondering “Why is it taking him so long to make me his girlfriend?”. My response to that was laughter. It’s not that I’m insensitive, it’s just that the last time I heard “Make me your girlfriend” I was on the swings at recess. But rather than give my homegirl another vague ass explanation for the sake of preserving pages out of the Men’s Operating Manual, I let out a huge sigh and told her the truth…You’re not girlfriend material….yet.

The Theory

The game of courtship is like a two way job application and interview process. Now for this to work, we’re gonna first have to assume that neither party is looking to JUST smash, beat, tap dat @$$, etc. But when girl meets boy, the initial job applications are turned in and if that person passes the prescreening (face, smile, body, etc.) they’re given more attention and consideration. The guy might get the phone number to begin phone interviewing or just jump right into the first round. At this point, both parties are usually unaware of exactly how qualified they are as candidates and are equally as unsure about exactly how badly the other wants to hire them. But it’s at this point that everything starts getting all jacked up.

I told my homegirl, “Females’ interviewing process typically lasts significantly shorter than that of a guy. After a few meetings, 1st and 2nd rounds, they’ll either openly offer us the job or make it painfully obvious that they have an immediate opening and need it to be filled ASAP (no pun intended, I swear)”. Now if you have ever interviewed, you’d know that this is the moment when you have the employer’s balls in your hand. This is the exact snapshot in time where you have more power than you will ever have in the entire process. According to the US Dept. of Labor:

There are many issues to consider when assessing a job offer. Will the organization be a good place to work? Will the job be interesting? Are there opportunities for advancement? Is the salary fair? Does the employer offer good benefits? Should you work for a relatively new organization or one that is well established?

More importantly, knowing that you have an offer on the table gives you more time to think. All the guy’s doing is carefully weighing his options. But if a prospective employer puts an applicant on payroll before a formal acceptance is given, tha’s the company’s own damn fault. Cuz hey, if a company wanted to pay you for interviewing, you’d take that damn money and milk it as long as you can whether you were interested in the job or not. So don’t get mad at him, cuz you’re the one playing yourself.

What’s the solution?

Ladies

There isn’t one (that’s practical at least). Become more selective with your interview process and treat it as if you were the CEO of a large corporation interviewing a potential partner or VP. I mean, it’s basically the same thing. You don’t want someone who you barely know running your department into the ground all because you “just had that feeling, you know”. The higher the professional grade of the job, the more intense and lengthy the process. Adjust accordingly.

Fellas

Get money. Nah, seriously. Although I don’t blame you for getting paid to interview, you have to realize there’s a difference between carefully weighing your options, exploiting a broken system, and gambling with your future. Don’t lengthen a process that doesn’t needa be lengthened for no damn reason. I’m pretty sure that at least 2/5 guys have messed up something that coulda lasted alot longer but got greedy. I have, and I’m a GENIUS.

The Moral?

This is the easiest way to screw a chicks head up, well ONE of the easiest. Which may be entertaining, but is no fun when you’re dealing with (or even worse, catching feelings for) the chick that some OTHER dude has already screwed up. Some might say, “I gives a F*** about a B****”, but if you really believe in that whole “Bro’s b4 Hoes” deal, treating a woman right is the best way to look out for your fellow man that may have her next. Unless that ****’s just crazy.

Discuss…