If TV is supposed to be a reflection of our times, then based on music videos and popular reality shows like “Flavor of Love“, we are really in trouble.

The state of the black community is a topic that has been plaguing its people for years. The origin of the black family starts with the black man and woman. Before there can be children to produce and raise in a conducive environment, there first must be a man and woman willing to take the road toward building a life together. Over the course of two weeks, I spoke with men and women across the country to find out what they are looking for in a potential mate and tried to figure out whether we are prospering as a people in our personal relationships or are we in fact hindrances to our own selves. You be the judge.

Part 1: Do We Even Know What We Want?

“There are no good men around.” A common statement said from sister to sister over mixed drinks and glasses of wine. As we post by the bar in a sweaty, crowded club, we scan the audience in disgust as we see no Mister Right in sight. Author Michelle McKinney Hammond asks women in her book “Ending The Search For Mr. Right: How to Be Found by the Man You’ve Been Looking For,” whether or not they are putting out the same vibe for the very same men they are trying to attract and if what they are looking for is even reasonable.

Consider this: If you are looking for a Christian who doesn’t go out too often, carries themselves with respect, works a decent job, and isn’t a philanderer, then maybe it wouldn’t be too wise to look for them at Atlanta’s Freaknik. The truth of the matter is the man or woman of our dreams (and I know we hate to hear this) is probably the sister bagging your groceries at the local Foodmart or is pumping your gas every Thursday at the Hess gas station down the street. The image isn’t sexy, so we refuse it and keep looking. Eight times out of ten, if you ask a married couple if their spouse met the requirements and the “ideal” image they had for their life partner before they were together, they will say “No”.

Timothy Williams, 42, an insurance agent in Massachusetts, admits that when he first tried to date his wife, she was not having it.

“She told me flat out that I wasn’t her type,” he recalled for Afrothought.com. “I think she judged me by my appearance and my physical characteristics weren’t exactly what her perfect man was in her eyes. We started hanging out and we were friends first. She didn’t want anything from me, no sex, no nothing. And then after she got to know me [things just went from there]. Everything that glitters isn’t gold. Women have this glittering perspective of what the man should be. It never works out that way. A lot of women turn down good men because they have this ideal of what a man should look like.”

Dr. Ronn Elmore, national bestselling author, minister, and relationship therapist is very familiar with the topic of love. He said that having a list of set qualities you are looking for in a mate is potentially setting yourself up for failure. He’s not against knowing what you want in a mate, just setting criteria in stone. It’s better to create a realistic set of standards that contain the essential tools you can’t do without. “Be very clear about the non-negotiable. Hopefully that’s a relatively short list,” he said with a laugh, adding that the men you encounter are “reduced by each thing on this list,” so it is vital to keep it realistic and short.

The Checklist

Contrary to popular belief, Elmore said that most people do not have a realistic list. Sure they know that they want to settle down in the future, but went it comes to the bare bones of what they think they want most don’t have a clue. He’s not talking about what type of car they drive or physical attributes, but things that genuinely make or break a relationship habits, temperament and openness.

“I’m finding that the men and women that I work with most closely, surprisingly and alarmingly are not having goals,” he said. “When we don’t know what we’re looking for, when the other person [in the relationship] gets to tell you what they want, my fear is that we end up wasting too much time. All this time you could have been looking for a [well-matched] relationship. The biggest issue is our lack of that portrait.”

Sometimes basic needs tend to come off as superficial wants because though our hearts are in the right place, we seek fulfillment by arbitrary means. Tony Gaskins Jr., author of “What Daddy Never Told His Little Girl“ said, “there is a point where a man’s masculinity is devalued because if a woman is so independent she has no need for a man. A man wants to be needed, and a big part of being a man is being able to provide.

Therefore if a man is stripped of that duty then it may very well devalue his masculinity.”
What women fail to realize is that men have a laundry list of insecurities just as we do. Yes, he too, worries about his weight, his co-workers and all that excess emotional baggage that comes with being a human being. The trick, for better or worse, is that men tend to hold that stuff on the inside.

Leave your thoughts with us. Until next time…

Pssst, they can see you!!

Lately I have begun to concede that I’m somewhat attractive. I say concede because I believe it’s not for me to decide. Just yesterday I was hit on twice in the span of three seconds; meaning one pair of girlfriends had to interrupt another pair of girlfriends. Never seen that happen before. I thought I was merely ‘alright’ (or ‘enough to get by’) but again I guess that’s not my call to make. Anyway, I say this because these approaches occur in spurts and sure enough as I walked the subway platform (’cause parking downtown is a mutha) text-messaging my homegirl, I noticed two girls sitting on the bench at which I usually wait. Happens. Plus, I was in the middle of a conversation so I was sure the time until the next train would fly by.

“Cellphone…” a boisterous call soared into the air. “Um… ok, ” I thought “I guess you have one too, congrats”. She was unsatisfied. “Cellphone…” in a definitive ‘pay attention to me, I want to talk to you’ tone. But as always, I assumed they were (literally) hollering at some other guy; maybe the one across the way. I briefly took my eyes off my ::sigh:: cellphone to realize they were talking to me. And they were not cute and (had I actually looked at them -beyond my split second aversion- I would have noticed they) were too young to be hitting on me. R. Kelly, I am not. Tip of the iceberg though, ladies and gents.

Saved by the train. I texted my homegirl the gist of the situation and she was rolling. And these two* sure enough got on the same d*mn train that I did. Thus to the empty seats near the opposite end of the car I went. Far enough away so they knew further attempts at my attention were futile. A rather calming quiet fell over the train as the doors close and we pulled off. I’ve always enjoyed the paradox of silence on the subway; the peaceful ambiance of strangers briefly sharing life soundtracked as wheels meet rails.

I would have enjoyed that yet again were it not for T-Pain. “I’M IN LOVE WITH A STRIPPER…” squawked the fearless leader of the duo with one of those annoyingly high and nasal voices. You know, the kind of voice that no matter how cool the person was, you couldn’t be friends with that voice because you would eventually snap on them like “Ahhhh, shut up!! Seriously, write it down!! You and the words with the sounds you disgorge; not cool. I’m sorry, but gone somewhere with that!” Imagine a female Chris Tucker. Excessively loud in public; stereotype #1 fulfilled. Good job. Though that, my friends, would merely fall into the category of ‘a shame’, let’s go Emeril on this here.

The friend… oh the friend… why I thought she would just sit there entertained by her accomplice’s nearly boastful ignorance was my optimism at its best. No, the friend decided to make the nearest vertical bar her personal stripper pole. ‘This … one*!!’ I thought. The swaying train could not hide the fact that her short-lived aspirations of being a video “vixen” were increasingly ambitious. But like a true girlfriend, the T-Pain-a-be was there to wrap the bane of Juilliard in a blanket of teases.

Above everything (in offense and volume) was their gossip. I’ll spare you details of their conversation. Ok, I’m lying… I really didn’t care to retain their words. Though no one should waste their brain space on that trivia. Remarkably, so many of us are more wrapped up in the lives of celebrities than our own that we miss our time to shine. But trust me, were you to watch BET for 14mins, soon enough you’d be privy on their dialogue. And soon enough for us meant their destination, our salvation, and my new Zoolander look called ‘Dammit quit looking at me! I’m as removed as you are. Would you like a disclaimer?’

“The views and actions expressed here were solely those of their speakers and do not necessarily represent Black or African-American people here and in perpetuity. Please disregard the interruption. In the event of an emergency, please remember that the other minorities in the vicinity have no obligation nor desire to assist your detrimentally inquisitive ass and will more than likely bear witness to your inevitable demise provided the aforementioned danger is isolated to you only.”

I share this all-too-frequent experience at all to serve as a reminder that -as unfair as it is and whether you want to or not- you represent all of us when you are in public. You never know whose ignorance you are influencing when joking around. Thus your good time may be at the expense of another brotha or sista. Again, not saying it’s right, but it’s true. Now I’m hearing the “A Different World” theme playing.

*- So you’ve probably noticed by now that I had asterisks abound when referring to these two. Well, regardless of the emotion at the time -trying to be the exact opposite of the pair so folks wouldn’t walk away going “I knew it!! Just like on BET…”- I refused and still refuse to call them out of their name. Even though these embarrassments were working my last nerve.

“Bask in the Thugnificence!”

So I was going to save this bit of news, but for those of you who don’t know… The Boondocks Season 2 drops Tuesday. For those of you not up on The Boondocks, you are sooooooooo missing out. Consider your Black card in jeopardy. Fortunately for you, Season 1 is still scarcely available on DVD and the comic strip still runs in over 300 publications. Few series have captured the perspective of thinking brothas and sistas the way the Boondocks has. In fact, as The Boondocks set its cross-hairs on BET the network -once a bastion of Black programming- reportedly complained to Cartoon Network and Sony Pictures, which produces “The Boondocks”.

The result was two episodes particularly scathing to top BET executives, Debra Lee and Reginald Hudlin, being banned from U.S. airwaves. However, the two pulled episodes will make the season two DVDs. Spoiler alert: One in which a main character refuses to eat until BET is off the air and head executives commit seppuku. Another where a black man prejudiced against African-Americans gets his own show on BET.

According to an LA Times article, Cartoon Network initially resisted blocking the episodes, but when legal action was threatened the episodes were pulled. Supposedly, BET has no grudge against those responsible for the episodes says a BET spokesperson citing the networks own satirical content. Ironically, as the result of a professional partnership and eventual dissolution in 2005, Hudlin is also listed as an executive producer for “The Boondocks”.

As usual, the DVD’s commentary is anticipated to be well worth the attention. This season’s commentary does include the two controversial episodes, delivered by the ever-humorous co-executive producer Rodney Barnes and Boondocks creator Aaron McGruder. McGruder reportedly offers explanation for his pursuit of Black Entertainment Television network in the commentary essentially saying executives ‘failed to elevate’ the network’s standards – something expressly promised by Hudlin upon joining BET.

“I was looking for changes and improvements, and I didn’t see any,” McGruder said on the DVD. “I didn’t see them. So I said, OK, it’s fair game. It’s hard not to address it. It really was an important part of the strip.” Because of legal reasons, he adds, he cannot mention the real names of the people satirized in the episodes.

Barnes added: “You expect white television to present black people in a particular way. The anger comes from black television portraying us in a particular way. That brings out a different sense of frustration, and at the heart of these episodes is that frustration.”

Editorial:

Word BET?! The Boondocks has you scared like that?! Most people don’t even know The Boondocks exists and here you are whining (allegedly). What happened to “stop snitching”?! ‘Oh, you mad cus they stylin’ on you?’ Maybe u need to watch your sister channel MTV and pick up on the “No Bitch-ass-ness!”

Honestly, this brotha couldn’t agree more with McGruder and Barnes. BET fell off years ago. Slowly devolving from Entertainment to Embarassment. When Free and AJ bounced you knew there was nothing left. Nail in the coffin. And the network’s attempt to bank on the reality TV era didn’t help. I notice Christopher Scott Cherot (writer/producer/director/star of “Hav Plenty”) doesn’t even associate his name with College Hill anymore. Beyond that it’s hard to keep track of the programming (especially in prime time). I mean besides 106 & Park, what is on BET? By the way, i’m not saying that as if 106 is something to be proud of anymore, only that it’s the one mainstay. That and Bobby Jones’ Gospel which you could assume is kept around merely to ward off the guilt of the programmers. How do you dumb down your own people?

Then again maybe they’ve fallen prey to their own brainwashing; possibly really believing what they air is hot. Everyone knows if you play something enough you begin to like it. No matter how much you disdained it initially. First you avoid it, then you joke about it, then it has you. Maybe they’ve fallen so deep that they truly think everyone else is just hating. That BET really expresses where Black people are nowadays. Ha… oh no. What if they are right? I mean… what if the majority of us are carbon-copies of the 106 and Park audience. I could believe it. Not like i see a plethora of alternatives out there. (Probably just as planned.) I see a lot of my contemporaries falling in the BET line. I always say “people are sheep” but if the programming is following the herd and the herd is following the programming who’s the leader?

Poor Cousin Jeff. You know it’s only a matter of time before he bounces. How long can you stand being the paragon bringing up the test scores? The one brother the whole network points to for credibility. Remember when BET News was it’s own show. Not gon’ lie; Flava Flav has better moments than BET. D*mn!! So when the Boondocks parodies BET with the “Booty Buttcheeks” video, “Gangstalicious”, “Thugnificent” or a spot-on cooning Terrence (106 & Park co-host)… i feel relieved. Thankful that a collection of thinking Black folk are in the position to present an alternative to the portrayal of our people on BET. Hell, not only that; that they are recognized for it… when did BET ever win a Peabody Award?! Like Barnes said… I expect that portrayal of us from white programming, but when we broadcast ourselves like that the frustration is exponential. Oh and VH1 Soul, don’t think we don’t notice you slipping T-Pain, Keyshia Cole, etc into the mix. You are on notice!!

US hip-hop artist Foxy Brown has been released from jail after serving eight months of her one-year sentence.

The punishment stemmed from an attack on two Manhattan nail salon stylists over a $20 (£10) manicure in 2004, which led to three years probation.

She was then jailed last September when she was accused of hitting a woman with a mobile phone and a judge ruled she was not taking probation seriously.

She spent 76 days in isolation after having a fight with another inmate.

Foxy Brown’s albums include Ill Na Na and Chyna Doll, which went to number one in the US in 1999. (BBC News)

Wow… really?!
You know… she and Flava Flav might really hit it off… let it marinate.