DISCLAIMER: Clearly this is particular to my experience and I don’t mean everybody. But I’m in the heat of the moment and I want to generalize. Besides, if majority rules…

I am officially disappointed in everyone. People really suck, and no, I’m not jaded. People just never make sense. I’m so angry about this, because I see the logic in each situation. I am a reasonable person. I have a good grasp on reality. When I screw up, I’ll say so; and when people screw up, I’ll say that too. And when people just fail, it continues to disappoint me and makes me realize more and more how much people… well… suck.

I feel like I’m saying, “Hey look over here, I’m awesome. Sometimes a little goofy… but overall awesome, wanna go out??” And everyone who is single is like “Hmmmmm. Nah, not right now…” or “Umm, I’d rather settle.” I mean, really? You’re gonna settle? I’m giving you the choice of a big juicy steak (or whatever your favorite meal is) or just a pickle and in your dumbassery you say “Umm, I’ll take the pickle.” REALLY? Ol’ settling ass!! Anyway, now that I’ve told you how people suck, how about I paint a completely hypothetical picture for you?

Tell ‘em Why You Mad
So… boy likes girl when she is not ready, and when girl wants boy, boy says ‘I’m not ready.’ Hmmm, is this a game? Did I forget to bring my mitt to this boring game of toss the interest? I mean, clearly people like to play games.
Why would you try your hardest to convince someone to be with you, when they have just told you they were not ready? Maybe they are ‘damaged’ from their previous relationship? Maybe they’ll tell you that they need some time. Maybe when the time comes, you’re like “Well, no I don’t want to try…” Hold up. Okay, you wanted to try when the person wasn’t trying; and now that they are trying, you don’t want to try? You = stupid, dumdum, goofy ass, just overall incompetent. Yes that is you, and yes, you fail at life.

I honestly believe that you can’t be nice to people and you can’t make anything easy for them BECAUSE THEY ARE STUPID!!!!! I’ve gotten so much farther being a bitch, rather than being the fun-loving, caring, awesomesity that is me. (Not conceited, just giving myself some props). Even still, the most annoying part of this completely hypothetical situation is that a small part of me was questioning, “Do I really want to date this person? Do I really want to try?” He is awesome, but now he has totally proven that he is just part of the goofy-ass herd that is walking away from the water. Really? WOW! I mean, I can only do so much. I’ve basically prepared this great meal, filled up your fork, placed it in your mouth and your stupid confused insecure ass won’t chew!! I officially dislike you strongly. Basically, I’m off you. I’m off every damn thing!! Excuse my language.

So this situation leads me to the place where I am now, confused. I’m just not gonna try; ‘cause when you don’t try, you don’t get hurt or disappointed. I mean, I went a whole year not trying and I had a blast! Now I’m trying and it is lame, I mean really lame.

Relationships are supposed to be fun, but this sucks. What sucks even more is that I seem to connect better with guys who are IN RELATIONSHIPS. Really? It’s like, “Hey! I’m awesome and you’re awesome and…. oooh wait, you have a girlfriend. Oooh and you’ve been dating for 2 yrs. Oooh and your moving in together in August. How flipping lovely! (Damn you and your happy ass girlfriend! I hate you.)

I’ve tried to analyze this conundrum I seem to have found myself in, done some soul searching, talked to friends and these guys in relationships and wonder… is it me?? Am I doing something wrong? Is there something I am not realizing that I need to change?? The response is always the same, “Oooh just wait, when the time is right it will happen” or “You’re awesome and if people don’t realize this, then they are stupid.” I hate that! I love you, friends, but stop telling me how great I am and how everyone else is stupid. I mean, are people really that stupid? Am I really that great that I’m still single? I’m not in a super rush to be “in a relationship”; I just want to hang out with ONE PERSON who make sense.

I mean COME ON!! I’m just so fed up with everyone. I have officially decided not to try. I am going to just go to school, work, and play and if anyone can keep up, I’ll rock their world! Until then I’ll be in my own.

You are dating someone and she tells you that she has siblings. Okay. Eventually she shows you pictures of them. Cool. One day you finally meet them and you get along great with them. Whew. Meet-and-greet nearly accomplished, everything is dandy until your date turns a certain way and now you notice something. She looks just like her brother. A resemblance -no matter how much you try to deny it- you see more than ever before.

Oh no. There is no ‘reset’ button either. You can’t remove the dots once the connection is made. They’re almost twins now! Oh, yeah, others might say they don’t really see it, good for them. But they aren’t you; you can’t ignore it. And it will probably become most poignant at the worst possible times too. In fact, the only thing that can top the ‘sister-mister’ is a father-daughter resemblance.

So what do you do? Also, is this an issue? What about when the genders are reversed?

I actually enjoy taking a pretty girl out for a night on the town and, if I got it like that, picking the tab up (just make sure if we decide to go Dutch, you can carry yourself); nevertheless, I don’t really want to take you out every time, or think of ways to spend nice courtly evenings with you. I want to call you up on those lazy Thursday/Friday afternoons when I don’t feel like going out and tell you to come over to my place to just sit and do nothing.

But I can’t do that. Can I? No, because your won’t let me, not because you think I’m just trying to get into your pants, but because you want to be courted longer before we get on that level. I got a problem with that. I’m not gonna court you just because you feel you should be courted. Women always talk about how they don’t wanna be treated like objects or property but then hold out on you and make you wait for the good part in the relationship like they’re auctioning themselves off, looking to maximize the final bid. It’s pure nonsense.

What’s the “Good Part” you might ask?

“The good part” of a relationship is when both parties are comfortable enough around each other to be themselves just about as wholly and completely as they can. When he doesn’t have to make sure his house/apt is spotless before she comes over, when she doesn’t have to dress sexy all the time, when he doesn’t have to close the door when he “drops anchor”, when she can crawl into bed w/ her period panties. Okay, maybe that’s a bit of a hyperbole but it’s exaggerated to illustrate my point. Women shouldn’t “hold out” at the early stages of a relationship just for shits and giggles.

It’s entirely possible to skip to the good part, or simply arrive at the good part without giving too much of yourself to the guy. It’s plain and simple. If you like a guy, and the guy likes you…then like him and let him know that you like him too without making him bid on you. I’m perfectly fine with dating a girl who isn’t sure how much she likes me so I can show her my personality, sense of humour, motivations, etc. But I’m not cool w/ dating a girl who’s already sold on me but is keeping crap from progressing because she’s “old fashioned”. Not cool.

Speak…

The Background

This story starts off with a friend whom we will call Lyle, because it sounds funny. During a water break at the gym, my friend Lyle began to retell his Valentine’s Day disaster story from this passed month. Two months back, at a friend’s party, Lyle met a very very attractive Pretty Lady. Lyle and Pretty Lady struck up a conversation and seemed to hit it off, eventually exchanging phone numbers. Thus began a long string of hour-and-a-half long phone conversations.

Lyle and Pretty Lady talked about everything: life, sports, food, movies, politics, everything. Every so often, Lyle found himself spending the wee hours of the night on Pretty Lady’s couch after an evening of great food and a movie. However, just like any “platonic” relationship, Lyle began to catch feelings for Pretty Lady, hard. Lyle knew in his heart that he and Pretty Lady would make a great couple because they seemed to be in sync on almost every level. Lyle could talk to her about anything and she seemed to relate to that, as if they just  clicked. Lyle was sure she’d see this too.

Soon, Lyle decided that he’d spent enough time hanging out with Pretty Lady and decided to ask her out. Lyle carefully hatched a plan to take her out on Valentine’s Day, as she had no date. Lyle showed up at Pretty Lady’s door with a fist full of flowers and told her,

“We’re going out today. Who needs a Valentine!”. And with that, they were off.

After a fun afternoon of boating and an evening show, at dinner, Lyle decided that the time was right to tell Pretty Lady how he felt. Lyle began his speech about how great she is and how much they should be together and just knew she’d see it too. Negative. Pretty Lady looked Lyle dead in the eye and with a sympathetic but assertive look told him that,

“I don’t see you that way. You’re my friend and I want to keep it that way”.

Needless to say, Lyle spent the rest of the awkward night wishing for an end that never seemed to come.

After a few days of self pity, Lyle continued to talk to Pretty Lady on the phone, almost nightly and they resumed their “normal” relationship. Lyle’s heart was tearing. He knew that she should see him as “more than friends” but had probably just missed something. Lyle approached me for advice and asked,

“How do I get out of the ‘Friend-Zone’ and get her to like me? Moreover, how can I continue to be her friend when I have such intense feelings for her? If we connect so deeply, how come I can’t convert?”

As always, I had to hit Lyle with the Truth.

Check out Part II of “Genius Theory: The Platonic Road Fork”

Before I started explaining the situation to my friend, I paused. Just to make sure I wasn’t jumping the gun, I asked a few questions first because Lyle’s story sounded like there was much that he conveniently left out. I asked him a few questions and these are some of the things I uncovered:

• Since the very beginning of the relationship, Lyle speaks with her a few times a day, just about everyday.
• Lyle has thrice taken Pretty Lady out on extravagant dinners and outings.
• Every time Lyle makes a flirtatious comment to Pretty Lady, she tells him to stop or that it makes her uncomfortable.
• Lyle buys Pretty Lady “Just Because” presents for no reason such as appliances, home decor, etc.
• Lyle gets jealous when he’s around guys that she is dating or brings them up in conversation.
• Pretty Lady could care less who Lyle dates and sometimes encourages him in his relationships.

The truth is that Lyle has no chance. Like none. But what is worse is that he’s doing everything wrong.

The Theory

There is no official formula for getting out of the “friend zone”, but as it is with most things, prevention is better than cure. I told Lyle that his biggest mistake was not paying any attention to what I call the “Platonic Road Fork”. The Platonic Road Fork (or PRF)  is the point in which a man and woman whom have just met must individually make a decision about the future of their relationship. On one end of the fork, you decide to remain friends and just friends. Down the other side of the fork, you decide to pursue a romantic relationship. Everyone does this but some people do it more quickly than others, so fast that they don’t even realize they’ve made that decision.

Oftentimes, this is where people get confused because they start blurring the line between “friends” and “not friends”. It’s important that we have a clear outline for our relationships with the opposite sex and make a mental note of where we stand early on. Yes, things change and positions shift, but having a outline keeps us from getting lost and defining out relationship situation as “complicated“. Lyle was too busy enjoying himself to define his intentions with Pretty Lady. And when it comes to the PRF, the earlier you choose, the better and more clear everything will be. Now I’m not saying that there is anything wrong with “just seeing what happens” or “going with the flow”. I don’t categorize every female I meet, but just as an outline for a research paper helps keeps your thoughts in order, stopping at the PRF keeps things from getting tricky. Because Lyle didn’t stop, he inadvertently landed himself in the “friend-zone” and no matter how much Lyle wants to to get out, he can’t unless Pretty Lady lets him, which she won’t.

The Truth

Now here’s the important part, so guys LISTEN UP!

The phone is for making dates happen. Period. If you are a guy and you’re yapping away on a nightly 3-hour phone conversation with some fine hottie, chances are she’s more interested in you’re company and friendship than what’s in your pants or what you’re lips feel like.  With every long phone conversation that passes without a date being set, you’re digging yourself deeper and deeper into the friend zone. And he’s doing this everyday! I don’t even talk to my mom everyday.

Don’t buy gifts to be sweet if you don’t know if the girl is really into you, and if she IS really into you then guess what…you don’t have to impress her, she already likes you. Dump the Romeo act, it’s tired. Showing a girl how “sweet” you are is a tactic, a trick, and planned attack. We’re trying to make it seem like we’re naturally caring so she falls for it. Think not? Go and try to show someone how incredibly humble you are. If you’re a sweet guy, be yourself and it’ll show, otherwise you’ll either end up broke from buying nonreciprocating gifts or appear creepy/stalkerish.

And if you care more about her auxiliary relationships with members of the other sex than she does yours, then she doesn’t care about having one with you.

The Verdict

In response to Lyle’s question, “… how can I continue to be her friend when I have such intense feelings for her?”, I told him that he can’t. His feelings for her are heavy and her feelings for him are nonexistent. He either needs to remove all romantic feelings for her and cut his loses, or cut his friendship with her off altogether. All the “sweet” things he’s doing for her aren’t done because he’s a nice guy, he’s doing them because he’s a nice guy who likes her and he’s trying to buy his way into her heart. These are things friends don’t do. She’s not going to budge, so Lyle needs to move on.

Discuss.

-The Genius

You call me too much. You call me all the damn time and we don’t talk about anything. Nothing. Nothing important or even relatively interesting happened in your life or mine between now and the last time we talked which, in all likelihood, was prolly like 5 hours ago. I’ve tried to just not pick the phone up hoping that you’d get the hint and just try calling back later…like tomorrow. But no, you call right back. No answer. Third times a charm. No, it’s not. It’s not a charm. Four times the phone rings and I pick up to see if it’s some matter of life or death…but it’s not. It’s just you on the other line, alive and well with no new or even interesting old subject matter to discuss. I find myself sometimes almost disappointed that your car hasn’t careened off the side of the road and burst into flames or that you aren’t somehow stuck in a airtight container and are running out of oxygen. No, you’re in pristine health and you have absolutely nothing to say. I make attempts to drive the conversation towards something of mutual interest, but that’s pointless. All I get from my questions of “How’s _______ doing over there?” or “What’s one thing you could change about Cali?”are dull and boring one-word answers of “Fine”and “I dunno” .

I’d rather staple my nuts to a burning building than continue this phone conversation any longer than it has to. And right as I begin talking about something I’m actually interested or excited about, you interrupt me mid-sentence w/ “Hey, I gotta go. Talk to you later.” Click.

This is what I want to tell you but can’t. I can’t because as soon as I tell you that “You call too much”, I know that instead of hearing what I said and just calling slightly less frequent or even just calling when you have something to say, instead you will interpret this as “I hate you. You are undesirable and I want you to never call me again.” Maybe not that exactly, but that’s how it comes off. The truth of the matter is that I actually enjoy hearing your voice and like spending time with you, but what I don’t enjoy is pointless communication because….that is by definition not communication. I’m not even a phone person, so if I’m going to be on the phone, there needs to be some kind of point of the conversation. If it’s gonna be one of those “We talked all night about nothing” kind of conversations, then there needs to be several points or at least some topics of mutual interest. Most people have about 2 major milestones in their day and one of those is work/school. Twenty-four hours is a very short period of time and with a few exceptions out of the year, very little happens in one day. So I don’t need to talk to you everyday, especially if you aren’t my girlfriend or “special friend”.

I’ve thought of about a million ways to tell you this, but each one as useless as the next. I almost wish you were a crazy-ass so I could just never speak to you again, but that’s not the case. For whatever reason, I’d rather put up with this nonsense than have you stop calling me, which you will (because you’re programmed to react like that). Apparently I have an unhealthy addiction to you, and if that means enduring an infinite barrage of meaningless and mind-numbing conversations, then I guess that’s the price I have to pay to feed my obsession. Damn.

::sigh::

You can do better. I was trying to think of a more gentle way to say it but I don’t have to, I’m not your man. Granted, enough time has passed that I am in no way upset that you are seeing someone new (nor is it my place to be so). Honestly, I’m just happy that you aren’t dwelling on the past. It’s not good for you. But then again, neither is your new dude.
Oh, I know he seems good for you, but that’s because he’s safe. As in, were he one of the last five available men on Earth, then yes snatch him up. But I’d be willing to bet that you didn’t snatch or approach him at all. I imagine he noticed you, just happened to say the right thing at the right time and before you knew it… you two were dating. If so, he is lucky to be with you, ’cause… well… you can do better.

Personally, I’m a little offended. See, people tend to date those around the same level of attractiveness as themselves. Thus me being your ex and you dating this dude now is like saying he and I are on the same level (transitive property). And I’ll be d*mned if I get grouped in with him. (Ahem, he “could never-ever, ever-ever, ever-ever…“) I’m not just talking about appearance. In fact, I’m not even sure how offended I should be. I’m not good friends with the guy but from what you’ve told me about him and what I’ve seen, that’s messed up of you. What did I ever do to you? Actually, don’t answer that.

As I said before, it’s not really my place to care about who you date. Besides, knowing you, I doubt I have any sway over your decisions anyway. But (believe it or not) I still care about you. I seriously want you to be happy and want the best for you. I mean, clearly the ‘best’ for you isn’t me but it for D*MN sure ain’t him.
Allow me to explain that. See, I want to meet your new dude and be jealous. I want to hate his guts. I want to wish all the bad things in life happen to him and only him. Why? Because I would know there is no way I could compete or win your heart back from a man like that. You would be completely enraptured with him. You know, a soul mate or at least real close. All of my positives aside, I’m an asshole. We know this, but if at the end of the day you still entertain the idea of being in my arms then you’re f*ckin’ up and unfortunately not literally.

Shoot, I’m tempted to try to steal you back from the new dude just to prove a point, but that would be evil. And though I’m no angel, I don’t have the energy to deal with that drama right now. So instead just think about what I said. I’d sincerely hate for you to miss your Mr. Right because you were stuck with the third runner-up there (in theory, I’m at least second). Even more so, you know I never stay single for long and I promise you that you will walk away from meeting my girl thinking “I hate that b*tch!” Trust me. I don’t mess around… well… you know what I mean.

Anyway, next time you’re with ole buddy just ask yourself, “can I do better?” You know I know those doubtful moments are coming anyhow. Really, I don’t mean this to come off as bashing him. I’m sure he’s a great guy and will make someone very happy one day, but in your case, dating him just plain isn’t doing yourself justice. You know good and well how great you are. Yes, I am admitting it. So why step down? If you are going to make a mistake like that then you might as well pick the lesser of evils and be with me, again. And we both know that won’t happen ’cause…

…exactly.

Watching the CNN special ‘Black in America‘, as tepid and lukewarm were their attempts at grappling the “issues”, just reaffirmed the fact that, as a successful African-American woman, I have to be true to my roots. And my roots are firmly planted in the fact that I don’t want to have to worry about where the next dolla is coming from to pay the rent, nor feel obligated to go to a [high paying] job every morning. Even worse, waste the best years of my life chasing the almighty dollar to maintain a certain lifestyle. You should. And if you are smart, you’d make your money work for you, leaving you more time to watch all those soccer games the kids are in. Afterall, I baked cookies for the post-game party, and by “baked” I mean “H-E-B Central Market baked” (or “Whole Foods baked” for you Northern Buppies).

But seriously, if this is how I feel, then I need to expand my horizons and get used to the fact that I will eventually raise biracial children who will have to identify with both their black and green (dolla bill) roots. Money talks.

Speak…

Disclaimer: I know what ya’ll are thinking. “Oh, those staff writers at Afrothought.com and their bogus theories/metaphors/alternate perspectives. Do they expect us to just digest this sh*t oh, so complacently?!! ” But bear with me here on this one. And no, we don’t expect instant digestion. We actively encourage intensive mastication. And if it still doesn’t sit well. Feel free to purge. But bear with me on this one, you’ll see where it’s going…

I knew by pressing “submit payment”, after filling out the extensive “User Profile/Compatibility Survey”, I would officially become unattractive. Knowing this, I still pressed “submit”, and when the popup window asked me “Are you sure?”, I pressed “continue”. I had just gotten comfortable with my being attractive, so such submission, at first glance, would seem reckless. I would be throwing it all away. ‘Cause you know twenty-something year old females on online dating sites are either unattractive or psycho. And granted, though I may have my quirks, my life not too interesting to place me in the psycho category [and I am happy for this fact]. With dudes, though, it is different. But this was the stereotype that we all have grown accustomed to.

My motivation behind committing myself to a three month subscription, three months cause it was heavily discounted, had something to do with the town [unnamed] that I live in, my frustrations with being setup [read as: bamboozled] by friends, and laziness. Remember, nowhere in that list of motivational forces was the need to be married. . . at least not in the immediate future. So I was, and continue not to be, desperate.

And this brings me to my point:

Online dating is like diabetes [type 2, specifically]. Think about it. Diabetics, God bless ‘em, collectively can’t get their sh*t together. If they are not in denial about havin’ “the suga“, despite the fact that entire family had “the suga“, they are not sticking to their diet. And this literally kills people. For diabetes, many physicians subscribe insulin injections or other controlling medication. Diabetics and the general public cringe and are repulsed at the mere mention of insulin injections? Why? That’s because insulin injections are associated with the bitter end. After years of ignoring doctors’ advice, eating what they wanted, and not taking their pills, or medication, you see them injecting themselves with insulin in a state of desperation. Their health is nonexistent.

Maybe they have already had a leg or fingers amputated. Sh*t is bad. And insulin is the only thing that can handle the situation, somewhat. But, unfortunately, for many individuals even the potent power of insulin cannot stop that which is inevitable. And this is why insulin gets a bad rap. Had patients taken their insulin early in the game, that plus, diet, exercise, and continuity of medical care, the situation would have been a whole lot different. The desperation which terminal diabetics grasp for insulin, placing their hopes for vitality and wishes to assuage all former insults, is overwhelming. It comes to a point where no drug can accommodate such demands. And this parallels online dating. **stay with me**.

Women [let me not play pretend and include men in this], the majority at least, who have horrible experiences with online dating are those that feel as though they are socially terminal and the online dating service is their last outlet to restore their life into that meaningful storybook ending with the big wedding with the strapless wedding dress [is EVERYONE wearing these nowadays?] and the gorgeous reception. And sh*t doesn’t turn out that way. F And the vicious cycles of psychosis perpetuates. And then, the stereotype of psychotic women online is fulfilled.

To simple of an analysis? Maybe so. But I tell you this, you should not wait till you’ve had it with dating and feel that you are at your bottom before you sign up [despite the fact that we most likely prematurely define what our bottom is]. If you have ever thought about doing the online thing, do it now!!! Cause it sucks a$$. Seriously! I was actually wrong about my insulin/diabetes analogy. Insulin is great!! Especially starting it early after diagnosis. Online dating starting early on will in no way guarantee you success. It just means that with each failure, you will realize that, it’s not because you are such an unattractive loser, it merely means that online dating sucks. Yes, desperate times may call for desperate measures, but be responsible with your social life. Don’t put it on the back burner hoping that effortlessly you will run into him at Starbucks, while you’re reaching over for the Splenda and him reaching for the half and half. And definitely don’t put all your hopes in online dating. The pool of men involved is less than ideal and you, by not being desperate, will be able to move on unscathed.

And yes, it is a bit macabre to compare such levity like online dating with the seriousness of diabetes. Consider it a public service announcement. Git ya’lls sugas check. Diabetes is a real.

As “The Genius” would say, Discuss…

The Theory

In an ideal world, women and men (same-sex relationships too) will have equal power and stake in a relationship. At some point, we’ve all approached (long-term) relationships w/ the goal of achieving that, well most of us anyway. I know some of you say “I know ____ and _____ have a 50/50 relationship”! That’s only cuz the mental tug of war only appears 50/50 at that snapshot in time. In other words, 50/50, cannot sustain itself for long periods of time. When we say 50/50, we mean just that. 50% of everything in the relationship is controlled and owned by each partner. This includes equal share in decision-making, equal share in savings contribution, checking accounts, etc, thus making the partners absolute equals. This is where everything goes to the shits.

The whole 50/50 relationship myth is based on the premise that man and woman can be equals when in fact, this is cannot happen as men and women are not equal. Before I get pounced on ladies, take a deep breath, and if you need to, go get a drink from the fridge and get comfortable before you read on. This post is intended to educate, not devalue. First of all, I said Men ≠  Women not Men > Women. Besides all the obvious intellectual, physical, hormonal, and reproductive differences between the two, we all know that relationships are about mental strategy. Even for couples who are happily married and get along great have some level of mind games being played.

I’m one of those brothers that have little to no tolerance for those stupid games people play. I’m not going to scientifically calculate who’s gonna call who first, make someone guess how I’m feeling, or act one way when I really want the opposite. However, the mental tug-of-war I speak of exists in other unavoidable forms. For instance, if/when I screw up, I know that she’s going to let that hang over my head for the longest and I’m going to have to forfeit many-a-argument because she could (and most likely will) pull that cat outta the bag. I also know, if I wait long enough, she’ll screw up too and the tables will turn.

But it’s not just things like that in relationships that weigh them. Ladies, if you’re still listening take note. If your man makes less money than you, he is not and will never ever be cool with that. Money = Power (unfortunately). So if you control the lion’s share of this, your relationship is not 50/50 because you are not starting off on the same playing field. This is why when average brothers date rich girls, it never works.

I could go on and on about this, but I don’t want to talk this point to death. The bottom line is:

We live in a world striving so diligently for equality amongst the sexes. Yet at the same time, it is widely agreed upon by both male and female athletes that professional sports should stay separated. If athletes can understand there are stark differences between sexes, and intergender partnerships, why can’t we just say men and women are not and cannot be equals in a relationship and just move on?

Discuss…