The Platonic Road Fork – Part I

It’s been a while since I’ve shared one of my theories with you all, so  I’m more than happy to share the newest installment of the Genius Theories. As with every Genius Theory, I gotta give you the background first.

The Background

This story starts off with a friend whom we will call Lyle, because it sounds funny. During a water break at the gym, my friend Lyle began to retell his Valentine’s Day disaster story from this passed month. Two months back, at a friend’s party, Lyle met a very very attractive Pretty Lady. Lyle and Pretty Lady struck up a conversation and seemed to hit it off, eventually exchanging phone numbers. Thus began a long string of hour-and-a-half long phone conversations.

Lyle and Pretty Lady talked about everything: life, sports, food, movies, politics, everything. Every so often, Lyle found himself spending the wee hours of the night on Pretty Lady’s couch after an evening of great food and a movie. However, just like any “platonic” relationship, Lyle began to catch feelings for Pretty Lady, hard. Lyle knew in his heart that he and Pretty Lady would make a great couple because they seemed to be in sync on almost every level. Lyle could talk to her about anything and she seemed to relate to that, as if they just  clicked. Lyle was sure she’d see this too.

Soon, Lyle decided that he’d spent enough time hanging out with Pretty Lady and decided to ask her out. Lyle carefully hatched a plan to take her out on Valentine’s Day, as she had no date. Lyle showed up at Pretty Lady’s door with a fist full of flowers and told her,

“We’re going out today. Who needs a Valentine!”. And with that, they were off.

After a fun afternoon of boating and an evening show, at dinner, Lyle decided that the time was right to tell Pretty Lady how he felt. Lyle began his speech about how great she is and how much they should be together and just knew she’d see it too. Negative. Pretty Lady looked Lyle dead in the eye and with a sympathetic but assertive look told him that,

“I don’t see you that way. You’re my friend and I want to keep it that way”.

Needless to say, Lyle spent the rest of the awkward night wishing for an end that never seemed to come.

After a few days of self pity, Lyle continued to talk to Pretty Lady on the phone, almost nightly and they resumed their “normal” relationship. Lyle’s heart was tearing. He knew that she should see him as “more than friends” but had probably just missed something. Lyle approached me for advice and asked,

“How do I get out of the ‘Friend-Zone’ and get her to like me? Moreover, how can I continue to be her friend when I have such intense feelings for her? If we connect so deeply, how come I can’t convert?”

As always, I had to hit Lyle with the Truth.

Check out Part II of “Genius Theory: The Platonic Road Fork”

The Platonic Road Fork – Part II

…continued from: The Platonic Road Fork – Part I

Before I started explaining the situation to my friend, I paused. Just to make sure I wasn’t jumping the gun, I asked a few questions first because Lyle’s story sounded like there was much that he conveniently left out. I asked him a few questions and these are some of the things I uncovered:

• Since the very beginning of the relationship, Lyle speaks with her a few times a day, just about everyday.
• Lyle has thrice taken Pretty Lady out on extravagant dinners and outings.
• Every time Lyle makes a flirtatious comment to Pretty Lady, she tells him to stop or that it makes her uncomfortable.
• Lyle buys Pretty Lady “Just Because” presents for no reason such as appliances, home decor, etc.
• Lyle gets jealous when he’s around guys that she is dating or brings them up in conversation.
• Pretty Lady could care less who Lyle dates and sometimes encourages him in his relationships.

The truth is that Lyle has no chance. Like none. But what is worse is that he’s doing everything wrong.

The Theory

There is no official formula for getting out of the “friend zone”, but as it is with most things, prevention is better than cure. I told Lyle that his biggest mistake was not paying any attention to what I call the “Platonic Road Fork”. The Platonic Road Fork (or PRF)  is the point in which a man and woman whom have just met must individually make a decision about the future of their relationship. On one end of the fork, you decide to remain friends and just friends. Down the other side of the fork, you decide to pursue a romantic relationship. Everyone does this but some people do it more quickly than others, so fast that they don’t even realize they’ve made that decision.

Oftentimes, this is where people get confused because they start blurring the line between “friends” and “not friends”. It’s important that we have a clear outline for our relationships with the opposite sex and make a mental note of where we stand early on. Yes, things change and positions shift, but having a outline keeps us from getting lost and defining out relationship situation as “complicated“. Lyle was too busy enjoying himself to define his intentions with Pretty Lady. And when it comes to the PRF, the earlier you choose, the better and more clear everything will be. Now I’m not saying that there is anything wrong with “just seeing what happens” or “going with the flow”. I don’t categorize every female I meet, but just as an outline for a research paper helps keeps your thoughts in order, stopping at the PRF keeps things from getting tricky. Because Lyle didn’t stop, he inadvertently landed himself in the “friend-zone” and no matter how much Lyle wants to to get out, he can’t unless Pretty Lady lets him, which she won’t.

The Truth

Now here’s the important part, so guys LISTEN UP!

The phone is for making dates happen. Period. If you are a guy and you’re yapping away on a nightly 3-hour phone conversation with some fine hottie, chances are she’s more interested in you’re company and friendship than what’s in your pants or what you’re lips feel like.  With every long phone conversation that passes without a date being set, you’re digging yourself deeper and deeper into the friend zone. And he’s doing this everyday! I don’t even talk to my mom everyday.

Don’t buy gifts to be sweet if you don’t know if the girl is really into you, and if she IS really into you then guess what…you don’t have to impress her, she already likes you. Dump the Romeo act, it’s tired. Showing a girl how “sweet” you are is a tactic, a trick, and planned attack. We’re trying to make it seem like we’re naturally caring so she falls for it. Think not? Go and try to show someone how incredibly humble you are. If you’re a sweet guy, be yourself and it’ll show, otherwise you’ll either end up broke from buying nonreciprocating gifts or appear creepy/stalkerish.

And if you care more about her auxiliary relationships with members of the other sex than she does yours, then she doesn’t care about having one with you.

The Verdict

In response to Lyle’s question, “… how can I continue to be her friend when I have such intense feelings for her?”, I told him that he can’t. His feelings for her are heavy and her feelings for him are nonexistent. He either needs to remove all romantic feelings for her and cut his loses, or cut his friendship with her off altogether. All the “sweet” things he’s doing for her aren’t done because he’s a nice guy, he’s doing them because he’s a nice guy who likes her and he’s trying to buy his way into her heart. These are things friends don’t do. She’s not going to budge, so Lyle needs to move on.

Discuss.

-The Genius

You Call Too D@mn Much!

So every once in a while, it becomes even more painfully obvious that there’s certain instances where you’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t when it comes to dealing with the opposite sex. Read more

Dear Ex-Girlfriend: You Can Do Better

Dear Ex-Girlfriend,

::sigh::

You can do better. I was trying to think of a more gentle way to say it but I don’t have to, I’m not your man. Granted, enough time has passed that I am in no way upset that you are seeing someone new (nor is it my place to be so). Honestly, I’m just happy that you aren’t dwelling on the past. It’s not good for you. But then again, neither is your new dude. Read more

You Needa Make More Money Than Me

Call me ole’ fashion but. . . I’d rather that you’d make more money. Does that make me a bad person? Should I not say this out loud? This is ideally in the most ideal sense. You, the man, make more money so I, the woman, won’t have to feel obligated to work [so hard or more than four days out of the week]. But considering that in a few short years, I will be making a nice chunk of change, this really limits my options. And is this wrong? In the practical sense, hell-to-the-yeah. Read more

On-line Dating and Diabetes

Disclaimer: I know what ya’ll are thinking. “Oh, those staff writers at Afrothought.com and their bogus theories/metaphors/alternate perspectives. Do they expect us to just digest this sh*t oh, so complacently?!! ” But bear with me here on this one. And no, we don’t expect instant digestion. We actively encourage intensive mastication. And if it still doesn’t sit well. Feel free to purge. But bear with me on this one, you’ll see where it’s going…

Read more

The Myth of the 50/50

Yes. It’s a myth. I’m sorry if I just ruined your day. But before I proceed with this installment of Genius Theory, as always, I have to give the backstory. Long story short, I got into a discussion with a female cohort of mine who was upset that her relationship always seemed weighted. Read more

He’ll Regret it…

He’ll regret it. . .
. . . but then again maybe he won’t.  That is something that I keep to myself, every time, so countless it is disturbing, I am out with my girlfriends over dinner or one the phone with one of them, and a story is being retold about the end of the affair.

‘Affair’ is the correct word more than 93% of the time (yes, I did the math) as opposed to ‘relationship’, because these things ended quicker than they started and nothing was really official. It seems as though every time the DOR conversation was brought up, by the female no doubt, an argument ensued or evasive tactics (e.g. sex) were employed. DOR for those with testosterone outbalancing their estrogen is the “definition of the relationship” aka “so ARE YOU my boyfriend??!!” (said of course in a whiny girly voice, cause the first six or seven times the question was asked, it was done in a proper tone. Frustration reverts us back to barrettes and that single roller bump hanging down on our forehead).

Whatever details that make this retelling seemingly unique from all the other melodramas of the past is irrelevant. Because all too many stories end up with you and your girlfriends commiserating over Thai food and desert all agreeing that

“He’ll regret it one day. One day he’ll realize what a big mistake he made, and that you are the best thing that has ever happened to him!!!”

I am guilty. I have said this shit, and it is shit, before, and have honestly believed it. I mean HONESTLY. Truth be told, many of my girlfriends were just as f%$@ked up as the dude, albeit they had different issues (you know the female-version of insecurity versus the male-version, etcetera etcetera). So why would we assume that it is HIM, that will regret it? That is not to say that she should regret it. All I am saying this that, especially in the superficial-fly-by-night affairs (or even in long term relationships), everyone wins in the end by no longer being together. They each did each other a favor essentially. Fumbling around in the dark, literally and figuratively, and expecting a diamond to pop out of his ass at the end on a bed of pearls (no pun intended, haha!) cannot be healthy on any level. Fumbling around in the dark, just for fumble sake. . . is another discussion (just use condoms people!!!).

So why justify bad decisions by espousing yourself from the blame and unloading the yolk all on the dude? Cause it’s easy. It is easier than saying to your girl. “Girl, you met ole boy at the [insert location, usually ‘the club’] and then hooked up with him [insert the day, usually within a week to be conservative] and he clearly said that he just wanted to [insert ‘just kick it’, ‘was not tryna be tied down’, ‘seeing how it will go’, etc] and every time ya’ll were together ya’ll didn’t go out but basically [insert the vertical or horizontal activity], so how is this soo soo shocking that he is not tryna be ‘bought nuffin?” Yo bad for paying to interview [see previous article].

Okay, that was a bit blunt, pessimistic, and none to empathetic. Another situation. Pretend, and nowadays I mean STRETCH your imagination, that she and he were actually in a really long term committed relationship and it went south for some reason or another, infidelity, long distance, lack of communication, growing disinterest, somebody got fat but not pregnant fat, etc. And the break up was messy. And now you are back to dinner, soul food this time and dessert, and the famous lines are evoked. Still. He may not regret it, even if it was his fault. He may be sorry, eventually, maybe, for the pain that transpired as a result of the dissolution of the union, but regret, ehhh, I am thinking, no. And he may, and chances are for his girls, he may find someone before you and BETTER than you. If this happens, is your self worth no longer validated? Does your self worth balance on the pendulous motion of his assumed regret? Why do we have to do that?

Why can’t we face reality.

“Girl, I dunno what’s gonna happen to him, or you, but these neck bones is goooood!”

Maybe we should leave it at that. And then go work out after.

The Interview Process

Let me first say that I’m getting really tired of the fact that every time I talk to one of my very good girlfriends, the conversation seems to always stray off into why no one wants them, or how they’re lonely, or how these guys are ___________.

No one’s provided me w/ any information as to why this is, and although there are theories, nothing concrete. As a result, I have to just assume that when you’re a female and 22-25 yrs old, your own personal worth is determined by the success (or lack) of your significant other, and if you’re one of those hags unlucky enough to NOT have a man, then you might as well just sew it up now and join a convent. Read more