::sigh::

You can do better. I was trying to think of a more gentle way to say it but I don’t have to, I’m not your man. Granted, enough time has passed that I am in no way upset that you are seeing someone new (nor is it my place to be so). Honestly, I’m just happy that you aren’t dwelling on the past. It’s not good for you. But then again, neither is your new dude.
Oh, I know he seems good for you, but that’s because he’s safe. As in, were he one of the last five available men on Earth, then yes snatch him up. But I’d be willing to bet that you didn’t snatch or approach him at all. I imagine he noticed you, just happened to say the right thing at the right time and before you knew it… you two were dating. If so, he is lucky to be with you, ’cause… well… you can do better.

Personally, I’m a little offended. See, people tend to date those around the same level of attractiveness as themselves. Thus me being your ex and you dating this dude now is like saying he and I are on the same level (transitive property). And I’ll be d*mned if I get grouped in with him. (Ahem, he “could never-ever, ever-ever, ever-ever…“) I’m not just talking about appearance. In fact, I’m not even sure how offended I should be. I’m not good friends with the guy but from what you’ve told me about him and what I’ve seen, that’s messed up of you. What did I ever do to you? Actually, don’t answer that.

As I said before, it’s not really my place to care about who you date. Besides, knowing you, I doubt I have any sway over your decisions anyway. But (believe it or not) I still care about you. I seriously want you to be happy and want the best for you. I mean, clearly the ‘best’ for you isn’t me but it for D*MN sure ain’t him.
Allow me to explain that. See, I want to meet your new dude and be jealous. I want to hate his guts. I want to wish all the bad things in life happen to him and only him. Why? Because I would know there is no way I could compete or win your heart back from a man like that. You would be completely enraptured with him. You know, a soul mate or at least real close. All of my positives aside, I’m an asshole. We know this, but if at the end of the day you still entertain the idea of being in my arms then you’re f*ckin’ up and unfortunately not literally.

Shoot, I’m tempted to try to steal you back from the new dude just to prove a point, but that would be evil. And though I’m no angel, I don’t have the energy to deal with that drama right now. So instead just think about what I said. I’d sincerely hate for you to miss your Mr. Right because you were stuck with the third runner-up there (in theory, I’m at least second). Even more so, you know I never stay single for long and I promise you that you will walk away from meeting my girl thinking “I hate that b*tch!” Trust me. I don’t mess around… well… you know what I mean.

Anyway, next time you’re with ole buddy just ask yourself, “can I do better?” You know I know those doubtful moments are coming anyhow. Really, I don’t mean this to come off as bashing him. I’m sure he’s a great guy and will make someone very happy one day, but in your case, dating him just plain isn’t doing yourself justice. You know good and well how great you are. Yes, I am admitting it. So why step down? If you are going to make a mistake like that then you might as well pick the lesser of evils and be with me, again. And we both know that won’t happen ’cause…

…exactly.

Let me first say that I’m getting really tired of the fact that every time I talk to one of my very good girlfriends, the conversation seems to always stray off into why no one wants them, or how they’re lonely, or how these guys are ___________.

No one’s provided me w/ any information as to why this is, and although there are theories, nothing concrete. As a result, I have to just assume that when you’re a female and 22-25 yrs old, your own personal worth is determined by the success (or lack) of your significant other, and if you’re one of those hags unlucky enough to NOT have a man, then you might as well just sew it up now and join a convent.

But I digress, this Genius Theory comes from a convo I had w/ one of my very good female friends. She’d been talking to a feller for a little over 2 months and was wondering “Why is it taking him so long to make me his girlfriend?”. My response to that was laughter. It’s not that I’m insensitive, it’s just that the last time I heard “Make me your girlfriend” I was on the swings at recess. But rather than give my homegirl another vague ass explanation for the sake of preserving pages out of the Men’s Operating Manual, I let out a huge sigh and told her the truth…You’re not girlfriend material….yet.

The Theory

The game of courtship is like a two way job application and interview process. Now for this to work, we’re gonna first have to assume that neither party is looking to JUST smash, beat, tap dat @$$, etc. But when girl meets boy, the initial job applications are turned in and if that person passes the prescreening (face, smile, body, etc.) they’re given more attention and consideration. The guy might get the phone number to begin phone interviewing or just jump right into the first round. At this point, both parties are usually unaware of exactly how qualified they are as candidates and are equally as unsure about exactly how badly the other wants to hire them. But it’s at this point that everything starts getting all jacked up.

I told my homegirl, “Females’ interviewing process typically lasts significantly shorter than that of a guy. After a few meetings, 1st and 2nd rounds, they’ll either openly offer us the job or make it painfully obvious that they have an immediate opening and need it to be filled ASAP (no pun intended, I swear)”. Now if you have ever interviewed, you’d know that this is the moment when you have the employer’s balls in your hand. This is the exact snapshot in time where you have more power than you will ever have in the entire process. According to the US Dept. of Labor:

There are many issues to consider when assessing a job offer. Will the organization be a good place to work? Will the job be interesting? Are there opportunities for advancement? Is the salary fair? Does the employer offer good benefits? Should you work for a relatively new organization or one that is well established?

More importantly, knowing that you have an offer on the table gives you more time to think. All the guy’s doing is carefully weighing his options. But if a prospective employer puts an applicant on payroll before a formal acceptance is given, tha’s the company’s own damn fault. Cuz hey, if a company wanted to pay you for interviewing, you’d take that damn money and milk it as long as you can whether you were interested in the job or not. So don’t get mad at him, cuz you’re the one playing yourself.

What’s the solution?

Ladies

There isn’t one (that’s practical at least). Become more selective with your interview process and treat it as if you were the CEO of a large corporation interviewing a potential partner or VP. I mean, it’s basically the same thing. You don’t want someone who you barely know running your department into the ground all because you “just had that feeling, you know”. The higher the professional grade of the job, the more intense and lengthy the process. Adjust accordingly.

Fellas

Get money. Nah, seriously. Although I don’t blame you for getting paid to interview, you have to realize there’s a difference between carefully weighing your options, exploiting a broken system, and gambling with your future. Don’t lengthen a process that doesn’t needa be lengthened for no damn reason. I’m pretty sure that at least 2/5 guys have messed up something that coulda lasted alot longer but got greedy. I have, and I’m a GENIUS.

The Moral?

This is the easiest way to screw a chicks head up, well ONE of the easiest. Which may be entertaining, but is no fun when you’re dealing with (or even worse, catching feelings for) the chick that some OTHER dude has already screwed up. Some might say, “I gives a F*** about a B****”, but if you really believe in that whole “Bro’s b4 Hoes” deal, treating a woman right is the best way to look out for your fellow man that may have her next. Unless that ****’s just crazy.

Discuss…