Top 6 Reasons I’m Draked Out

I’ll admit it, I was like everyone else. For the last two years or so, we’ve all been impatiently waiting for the debut album of Mr. Aubrey Drake Graham, our favorite paraplegic basketball player. Okay, who am I kidding? I’ll be flat out honest. I’ve been living under a rock for the passed two years (clearly noted by my lack of recent contributions on this site), so I was waiting for this album for only a few months. Although I hopped on the “Drake-train” late, I enjoyed listening to his music. I paid more attention to the lack of violent content and smooth delivery than his high pitched, whiny-ass voice or the fact that an artist without a debut album can have about 532 songs in constant rotation; so naturally, when “Thank me Later” came out, I grabbed myself a copy. After carefully listening to the album front to back, I realized…I’m Draked Out.

I’m not saying that I can’t stand Drake or that I don’t like him. I just gotta stop listening to his music for a while ’til this buzz wears off a bit because quite frankly if I don’t, he will begin to annoy the hell out of me. And that’s not good. I’ve expressed this with several of my friends who are members of the Church of Drake and rather than explaining the same things to them over and over again, I’ve decided to make this list so I can just give them a URL to go to when they ask me…”Why?”.

6) His Ongoing Internal Struggle with his Supreme Corniness –

Drake is a funny lookin’, doofy lookin’, corny ass dude. I’m not talking about his lyrical content, just the way he carries himself during interviews and public appearances; wide ass smile, goofy laughs and all. But you know what? There’s nothing wrong with that. But Drake, we all know you and your personality well enough to know when you’re trying too hard. Yes, you roll with Young Money and a crew of other various goons, but you take pictures with petticoats and are Canadian. You’re not hard. Corny works for Drake and he’d have a easier time selling corny to people than “smooth”. Nerdy is in, so if you’re a nerd then be yourself. As a fellow nerd, I know that the harder you try to sell us “smooth”, the more difficult it becomes to keep the nerdy goofiness from spilling out in an epic failure. Corny people are corny and if you are a corny person, the best thing to do for yourself is to be corny; otherwise, the end result is a giant box of fail. I believe that this is the REAL reason Drake fell on stage. By the way, shout out to Plies for bringing the word “goons” back into my vocabulary (I hate Plies).

5) Lack of Stage Presence –

This is my pet peeve for singers, but typically is not a big deal to me when it comes to rappers. Eminem is one of my favorite rappers of all time and (until very recently) was horrendous on stage; however, something about watching Drake live really pisses me off, almost in the way watching Ashanti perform made me want to tear out my corneas. Come to think of it, it’s not even when he’s live, it’s just him in general. I swear all the guy does is hold one hand out towards the camera and shake it and then cuts through the air with his hand. It’s like the kid read “How to Work the Crowd” by Ben Stein. Seriously…

• Step 1 – Hold an open palm in front of/towards the camera with fingers spread apart.
• Step 2 – Vibrate hand.
• Step 3 – Use hand and cut through the air* (extra points if you do it overly-dramatic)
• Step 4 – NEVER look at the camera. EVER. Always look slightly away from it or just past it.

4) Find Your Love –

I don’t like this song. That is not a reason alone to be tired of an artists, though. There are several songs by artists that I like that I’m not particularly huge fans of (e.g. Hallie’s Song). I think I just don’t like what this song has become, which isn’t really Drake’s fault. People always tell me how versatile of an artist he is because “he can sing!”…

…..

Okay.

First of all… no, he can’t. Secondly, even if he could, the song isn’t good. It’s annoying. Catchy, maybe. But I judge a song on if it’s own merits. Not if the person can sing well. Everyone knows Christina Millian can sing (kinda) but she can’t make a good song for the life of her. Alternatively, Devin the Dude can’t sing worth a damn, but he makes some jammin’ music. People focus on the wrong things here in this song. If they want to talk about his singing accolades, there are plenty of other Drake songs to cite than this trainwreck of a song.

3) Overall Pace of the Album -

I bought Drake’s album because I thought it was potentially going to be one of the best rap albums in recent history. While I do actually enjoy the album, I bought the album because I thought it was potentially going to be one of the best RAP albums in recent history. The overall tone of the album isn’t what I signed up for. I feel tricked. This is probably due to a lack of proper “research” on Drake because if I’d really paid attention to more than two songs on So Far Gone I woulda seen this one coming. I think the album is a breath of fresh air in the rap scene now, but I wanted more of the “I’m Goin’ In”-type Drake, or “Fear”-type Drake, not the “Successful”-type Drake. The album is super sing-songy and I was just praying that it wouldn’t be. Also, all the songs on this album kinda sound exactly the same… that and he says “Yeah!” like 1000x per song.

2) Unnecessary, Unclever, or Just Plain Vacuous Metaphors –

For me, rap’s never really been punchline-centric. In fact, I often get annoyed when rappers use multiple punchlines in their music. That being said, it’s pretty understandable that if you are a rapper, and you want me to like your punchlines, then it has to be damn clever and borderline nerdy…okay, nerdy. I guess this is more of a problem I have with most rap out right now but, in particular, the Young Money Crew as a whole and one other rapper. Let’s call him…Buddahpriss. Anyway, Drake kinda takes this whole poorly-thought-out metaphor thing outta control. In Chapter 2 of that book Drake read, apparently to make a witty line, all you have to do is say one word, pause, then say another word that is vaguely related to it. I can show you better than I can tell you so here are some lines:

• “If I was at the club, you know I ball…chemo.”
• “I race for your love. Shake and Bake…Ricky Bobby.”
• “Bout to set it off, set it off…Jada Pinkett.”
• “I can teach you how to speak my language…Rosetta Stone.”
• “Like a sprained ankle, boy, I ain’t nothing to play with.”

Seriously. I can keep going on, but I’m hoping you can get the point.

1) The Blackberry “Freestyle” -

If you haven’t seen this thing, I’ll post the video. It just made me mad. I think that rap artists should be able to both write and freestyle. When I say ‘freestyle’ I mean make stuff up on the spot, or at least pretend you’re making it up like 90% of the New York rappers that say they are so they can get on the next SMACK DVD. I remember watching “The Basement” on Rap City and waiting to see my favorite rappers freestyle and see if they have any skills on that kind of mic.

The ones who genuinely made stuff up forever gained my respect, and the ones that made it flow got props too. Guys like Obie Trice, Ludacris, Common, Rah Digga, or Eminem. However the artists that spat written rhymes from their single or even worse spat written rhymes and pretended they were making it up pissed me off. So it’s understandable that I hold my breath when a rapper whom I like steps into “the booth”. It’s even more understandable when my face wrinkles in anger when said rapper pulls out the “smartphone” equivalent of an electronic paperweight and READS his rap. This dude didn’t even try! The rap was tight, but damn man. You knew you were coming on the show and even if you didn’t, you should be prepared anyway because it’s your job.

Conclusion –

I like Drake. I just think I have to take a break from his music until I don’t really remember these things. I gotta take this in doses cuz I’m Draked Out.

Discuss…