The Myth of the 50/50
Written June 15, 2008
by The Genius
Yes. It’s a myth. I’m sorry if I just ruined your day. But before I proceed with this installment of Genius Theory, as always, I have to give the backstory. Long story short, I got into a discussion with a female cohort of mine who was upset that her relationship always seemed weighted. Weighted in the sense that one person always had the upper hand and was more or less in control of the relationship. She proceeded to tell me her frustrations because they have thus far been unable to attain a 50/50 relationship, but both wanted it really bad. That’s when I told her, looking for a 50/50 relationship is futile…because it doesn’t exist.
The Theory
In an ideal world, women and men (same-sex relationships too) will have equal power and stake in a relationship. At some point, we’ve all approached (long-term) relationships w/ the goal of achieving that, well most of us anyway. I know some of you say “I know ____ and _____ have a 50/50 relationship”! That’s only cuz the mental tug of war only appears 50/50 at that snapshot in time. In other words, 50/50, cannot sustain itself for long periods of time. When we say 50/50, we mean just that. 50% of everything in the relationship is controlled and owned by each partner. This includes equal share in decision-making, equal share in savings contribution, checking accounts, etc, thus making the partners absolute equals. This is where everything goes to the shits.
The whole 50/50 relationship myth is based on the premise that man and woman can be equals when in fact, this is cannot happen as men and women are not equal. Before I get pounced on ladies, take a deep breath, and if you need to, go get a drink from the fridge and get comfortable before you read on. This post is intended to educate, not devalue. First of all, I said Men ≠ Women not Men > Women. Besides all the obvious intellectual, physical, hormonal, and reproductive differences between the two, we all know that relationships are about mental strategy. Even for couples who are happily married and get along great have some level of mind games being played.
I’m one of those brothers that have little to no tolerance for those stupid games people play. I’m not going to scientifically calculate who’s gonna call who first, make someone guess how I’m feeling, or act one way when I really want the opposite. However, the mental tug-of-war I speak of exists in other unavoidable forms. For instance, if/when I screw up, I know that she’s going to let that hang over my head for the longest and I’m going to have to forfeit many-a-argument because she could (and most likely will) pull that cat outta the bag. I also know, if I wait long enough, she’ll screw up too and the tables will turn.
But it’s not just things like that in relationships that weigh them. Ladies, if you’re still listening take note. If your man makes less money than you, he is not and will never ever be cool with that. Money = Power (unfortunately). So if you control the lion’s share of this, your relationship is not 50/50 because you are not starting off on the same playing field. This is why when average brothers date rich girls, it never works.
I could go on and on about this, but I don’t want to talk this point to death. The bottom line is:
We live in a world striving so diligently for equality amongst the sexes. Yet at the same time, it is widely agreed upon by both male and female athletes that professional sports should stay separated. If athletes can understand there are stark differences between sexes, and intergender partnerships, why can’t we just say men and women are not and cannot be equals in a relationship and just move on?
Discuss…
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Hell to the yeh! I been in relationships where I dominated to the point where she’d do ANYTHING I asked her and to be 100, I hated that. I’ve also been in relationships where I screwed up and was paying for it the WHOLE time. Tug of war…definitely, 50/50….NEVER!
thats b.s. either you are completely jaded on relationships, or you are messin with some trife girls. My boyfriend and I have an equal relationship, my parents too. you just have to work!
You know, i know I never spoke to you about the 50/50 myth. But d*mn if it ain’t completely true.
Also, i thought you were going to hit on how someone is always more into the relationship than the other person. Post seemed brief. Maybe that’s part of a different theory. Or maybe I was supposed to put that one up. I dunno. But essentially (not talking about power/control) someone is always more “into” the relationship than their significant other. Maybe that’s what that book “He’s just not that into you” is about. Never read it. I’m usually that “He”. Anyway, the two of you can be close, but that investment -like the power/control of the relationship- is never equal. If your lucky though, you have a hard time figuring out which one you are.
Sidenote: I like how the pillow got 15% of the power.
I always looked at a 50/50 relationship meaning both equally putting in work. not neccessarily who makes more money and has more power. But as The Reverend said hitting on who’s more into the relationship.
Has anyone balanced anything lately? Or have been to the park and watch kids on the see-saw. Or was that kid on the see-saw? When things balance they are not necessarily level/parallel to the ground. Depending on your relational equilibrium it may be 60/40, 55/45, etc and work. However, we all know that there is a certain point that tips the scale and your butt hits the ground all too expectedly and you may even bit your tongue. Sorry, yo bad for pushing the elements.
ok I agree, no the relationship will never be 50/50 but at least the kids on the see-saw are striving to balance it. Thats how people want their relationship. Not neccessarily 50/50 but to at least know we are both giving equal effort in trying to balance it. Because once you feel like that person isnt contributing as much as you thats when you create more problems for the relationship…
It interesting that the “author” claims that he is not saying men are better than women, but his final example is one of physical comparison which is places men in the camp of “better.” So despite the authors suggestions that the women should relax before passing judgment I hope that the women reading this article took not of the authors intention despite the authors attempt to return them to the kitchen in order to “get a drink from the fridge”
Sorry Hector, but if you’re gonna quote me….please do it accurately. Stark differences I said. Different ≠ Deficient. I was not calling men better in that statement but yes I believe men are superior in many categories, women in others. Tha’s kind of an underlying theme of this post.
See i think that’s the problem, people get into these relationship with people whom they are not too sure about that they even like or love. I don’t think people play mind games; I think that people are trying to figure the other person out. It’s simple to call it on the obvious. Besides isn’t a game only played when both parties play; so what it is called when neither of the party play a “game”?
I think the main reason why we ever created relationships in the western world – between just two – was due to women not having had any rights to live on their own without a man and that girls got taught not to go for high-paid jobs to be able to feed a family later on – but got encouraged to do all these “care-jobs and smart jobs” that hardly dont pay bills. Men got taught and encouraged to do “more” rather than playing with dolls, looking small and slim, to either be hard worker or a big manager. Men can also be more dominant at a job and get respect – while women – would be called a psycho neurotic wrack – so even till now – and just a few decades ago – women depended on men to live a life. Marriage was and still is a providing-contract – nothing more – love grew in such relationships but never been requested. Now we have more freedom as women and the providing plan – angers men – as they dont want to provide for a person they dont “own”. Till 2day we still have these marriages that had just been set up. I also never got supported at home – without a men – when I left him, I was on my own. Not a bad thing.
Addition: However – and well well, I think the reason of beeing with someone – is to have someone to tk care of you – even when your weak at times. Means in all those times when your not on your 100 % and able to give a split. As you have someone – to tk care of you – your lucky with someone or on your own (maybe also lucky) – then when you meet someone I think it makes more sense to tk your time and see – if after a reasonable time – your not only the person giving – but also receiving. We are usually not meeting ppl that are totally equal with us or life changes and anything can happen so your might get needy too it is therefore wise to contribute into your partner so when you might need someone – you have someone that is also willing to help you. So I think 50 / 50 is a selfish thing – as it means nothing but – I pay for myself and not for you. I dont care about you. If I am 50 / 50 – it means I dont care for you and when I leave – your on your own – I dont owe you nothing. However if I give – or take it is rather a 60 / 40 or 70 / 40 thing. As you can expect so much of a grown person – to at least have something to help yourself with and you might just need a little help and who loves you – will give it. If I love I give and I dont expect nothing back – but a thank you and a happy person in my life – not even the favour in return – but I hope for it – of course. And I do only love ppl who would be that much of nice to do the same. Love is giving not taking and either I am genrous enough in life to take care and give things away or I just leave it and of course I will look into someone that would do the same. Thats why women still test men if they willing to give – without a return – on dates – if they do – you know he is nice and you can give back to him too…AS WHAT THEY SAY: A person can only be judged by how he treats those who can do nothing for him. -philosopher unknown
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