The Fate of Black Love – Part I

The Fate of Black Love? Maybe.

If TV is supposed to be a reflection of our times, then based on music videos and popular reality shows like “Flavor of Love“, we are really in trouble.

The state of the black community is a topic that has been plaguing its people for years. The origin of the black family starts with the black man and woman. Before there can be children to produce and raise in a conducive environment, there first must be a man and woman willing to take the road toward building a life together. Over the course of two weeks, I spoke with men and women across the country to find out what they are looking for in a potential mate and tried to figure out whether we are prospering as a people in our personal relationships or are we in fact hindrances to our own selves. You be the judge.

---

Part 1: Do We Even Know What We Want?

“There are no good men around.” A common statement said from sister to sister over mixed drinks and glasses of wine. As we post by the bar in a sweaty, crowded club, we scan the audience in disgust as we see no Mister Right in sight. Author Michelle McKinney Hammond asks women in her book “Ending The Search For Mr. Right: How to Be Found by the Man You’ve Been Looking For,” whether or not they are putting out the same vibe for the very same men they are trying to attract and if what they are looking for is even reasonable.

Consider this: If you are looking for a Christian who doesn’t go out too often, carries themselves with respect, works a decent job, and isn’t a philanderer, then maybe it wouldn’t be too wise to look for them at Atlanta’s Freaknik. The truth of the matter is the man or woman of our dreams (and I know we hate to hear this) is probably the sister bagging your groceries at the local Foodmart or is pumping your gas every Thursday at the Hess gas station down the street. The image isn’t sexy, so we refuse it and keep looking. Eight times out of ten, if you ask a married couple if their spouse met the requirements and the “ideal” image they had for their life partner before they were together, they will say “No”.

Timothy Williams, 42, an insurance agent in Massachusetts, admits that when he first tried to date his wife, she was not having it.

“She told me flat out that I wasn’t her type,” he recalled for Afrothought.com. “I think she judged me by my appearance and my physical characteristics weren’t exactly what her perfect man was in her eyes. We started hanging out and we were friends first. She didn’t want anything from me, no sex, no nothing. And then after she got to know me [things just went from there]. Everything that glitters isn’t gold. Women have this glittering perspective of what the man should be. It never works out that way. A lot of women turn down good men because they have this ideal of what a man should look like.”

Dr. Ronn Elmore, national bestselling author, minister, and relationship therapist is very familiar with the topic of love. He said that having a list of set qualities you are looking for in a mate is potentially setting yourself up for failure. He’s not against knowing what you want in a mate, just setting criteria in stone. It’s better to create a realistic set of standards that contain the essential tools you can’t do without. “Be very clear about the non-negotiable. Hopefully that’s a relatively short list,” he said with a laugh, adding that the men you encounter are “reduced by each thing on this list,” so it is vital to keep it realistic and short.

The Checklist

Contrary to popular belief, Elmore said that most people do not have a realistic list. Sure they know that they want to settle down in the future, but went it comes to the bare bones of what they think they want most don’t have a clue. He’s not talking about what type of car they drive or physical attributes, but things that genuinely make or break a relationship habits, temperament and openness.

“I’m finding that the men and women that I work with most closely, surprisingly and alarmingly are not having goals,” he said. “When we don’t know what we’re looking for, when the other person [in the relationship] gets to tell you what they want, my fear is that we end up wasting too much time. All this time you could have been looking for a [well-matched] relationship. The biggest issue is our lack of that portrait.”

Sometimes basic needs tend to come off as superficial wants because though our hearts are in the right place, we seek fulfillment by arbitrary means. Tony Gaskins Jr., author of “What Daddy Never Told His Little Girl“ said, “there is a point where a man’s masculinity is devalued because if a woman is so independent she has no need for a man. A man wants to be needed, and a big part of being a man is being able to provide.

Therefore if a man is stripped of that duty then it may very well devalue his masculinity.”
What women fail to realize is that men have a laundry list of insecurities just as we do. Yes, he too, worries about his weight, his co-workers and all that excess emotional baggage that comes with being a human being. The trick, for better or worse, is that men tend to hold that stuff on the inside.

Leave your thoughts with us. Until next time…