My Problem w/ Interracial Dating
July 24, 2008
Written by The Genius
I have a problem w/ interracial dating, but it’s not for the reasons you think. I’m gonna just jump right into this so buckle up sistas. I’m a 26 yr old black man with two degrees and a well-paying job. No, I’m not bragging, but this will become relevant later. I’m not against interracial relationships, I just have problems with what seems to be a growing percentage of them….and it’s you boo.
Yes, black woman, it’s you. I know that statistically I’m an anomaly. But more and more of my twenty-something year old female friends are growing tired of there “Not being enough good men” around. In their growing frustration, and in their ever-growing wisdom, they come up with the grandaddy of all resolutions, “I’m gonna date outside my race!“. I personally don’t see the problem w/ expanding your horizons and opening up your options, but far too often what this really means is “I’m gonna find a white guy, cuz brotha’s is f$%kin’ up!”. Why are these women acting like they’re 35? Seriously?
My friend, let’s call her “Karen”, is a prime example. After talking to Karen and asking her why she sees that as a solution, she informs me that
“All my previous relationships have turned out horrible, and statistically, black men lead white men in domestic abuse by [insert high number]%. White men just care and treat us sistas better. If black men can’t treat me right and commit, then I’m going to jump ship. Black men mess w/ white girls all the time, why shouldn’t I?”
Now the reason this pisses me off is that what this does is that it subconsciously puts the white man above a black man, and in their mind, “better”. Better for them, better in bed, better for marriage, just better. More importantly, it means that when they pass by me and a white man, they will chose him because he is “statistically better” than myself. What the hell did I do? I don’t care what the numbers say or the statistics. I’m me. But not to make it all about me, this is also dangerous for the woman.
This is because she’s setting herself up for failure, disguised as success. No doubt that dating a white man will be a very different experience, but in that experience, the woman already comes into the relationship with a predisposition to label this new relationship that is different, as better. This is amplified if the couple has a good run. All of a sudden, her hunch is verified and she’s off running spreading the word to all her girlfriends that she’s found the Dead Sea Scrolls. In actuality, he’s just indulging in a chocolate fantasy. Okay, lemme not be bitter. Whether he likes her for her or for her sweet chocolate lovin’, what she’s done is possibly overlooked the very flaws that have gotten her rejected from black men in the first place.
Back to Karen. Karen started dating a white man about a week after she made her declaration and they were together for a while. She swears that it’s because white men treat sistas better, but what she doesn’t understand is that Karen has some issues. Karen is crazy. More specifically, she’s a hyper-empowered overly independent, afro-chick. We all know what I mean by that. Karen is the kind of person that will yell at a man for holding the door open for her cuz “I don’t need to be dominated as the weaker gender by the likes of you“ . What’s sad, is that’s an actual quote. Black men don’t wanna pick fights for no reason every 2-3 seconds, and I highly doubt any man does. So Karen’s biggest turn off is her paranoia of becoming submissive (or compromising). She overlooked her flaw because she just figured it had to be that black dudes don’t know how to treat a woman, and white dudes do (consciously or subconsciously).
Ladies, if you’re gonna date a white man, please…please date a man…who happens to be white. Don’t do it cuz you wanna get your groove back, or because you’re “done” w/ brothas. I love you all too much to see ya’ll sell yourselves short by not addressing your problems. As a comedian once said “If you’re 35 talkin bout ‘Men ain’t sh$#!’, then it’s you boo.” Fix yourself and stop being so jaded. Karen got dumped by the dude after he wrecked shop all up in that chocolate. I’m not saying that this is gonna happen, I’m just saying that’s what happened to Karen. Because Karen is crazy.
Discuss…
Interracial dating,, /black-white dating/ I find to be the strangest thing. If you think about it to hard, it will really mess up your mind. I think about lynching and the pictures I have seen were whites would gather like it was a picnic, I think of Emett Till at 14 and how he was mutilated at the age of 14 for speaking, whistleing or looking, at a white woman, I am not sure which of these he actually did, but he was killed for it which ever it was. And then I think about a whole generation of blacks who do not know, or do not what to know about these things. I am not blaming anyone for anything, history is what it is. BUT I WONT FORGET. I will remember how and why Black men were portrayed as devils and demons that wanted to rape every white woman that walked the streets, and how every white father wanted to protect his daughter from the black man. The white father was afraid that the black man would rape and destroy his daughter , that if the black man were given a chance. That the black man would take his precious little white daughter and make little black children…. Was he right?????????????
Re: PA Pierson’s comment — Seriously? Point personified. By knocking down yourself you oh so predictably idealized others. Can’t say that I dated a representative sample of black men or other men of other races for that matter, but I do know that people can be triflin. Period. Relationships are tough. If you are dating exclusively black dudes and are not getting any results, your conclusion “Black men are triflin” is incomplete. “Black men THAT YOU DATED are triflin BASED ON YOUR OPINION”, now complete.
PS - this is AMERICA. Materialism and instant gratification are a lot sexier that modesty, appreciation, and an intimate sense of self worth. So “picture perfect woman, perfect hair, a perfect body, sex, basically unrealistic and un-practical things in a woman” is a recurring theme hammered into the heads of all. Remember, not all white women look like Kate Moss, and not all white men want [end up with] such a woman. So being black makes you immune to mass media [brainwashing] marketing?
PS to the PS - Yeh. . . not all “beautiful natural African-American sistas” are “beautiful”. Just because you resist the lye don’t make you special. . .[waiting for hostile revolts]. . . but it is true. To call yourself “beautiful black blaa blaa blaa” is kinda redundant, cuz aren’t all people beautiful . . .and yes, I wear my hair natural — which is not to say that doing such validates my point . . .
Essentially, saying “I don’t date [insert race] cause they [insert excuse] that is why is I date [insert perceived better option]” is like saying “F— men now I date women!” — I mean don’t women of all races have issues with relationships and are all lesbians happy in their relationships? Come on, now. . .
But thanks for the comment. Will inspire future editorials.
I say get over it. Seriously. If your ego wasn’t such a big part of the picture which is the case for most black males, black females wouldn’t have a problem with considering you or black males in general. You see, the problem is black males want the picture perfect woman, perfect hair, a perfect body, sex, basically unrealistic and un-practical things in a woman. And you see, if a black females feels more loved an accepted and TREATED BETTER by a male of another race, why not? You should stop being so doubled-standard and selfish and do you. I have natural hair and am a beautiful African-American female. Lately, I have recieved bad vibes from, you guessed it, black men. But for men of other races, they seem to accept me more. So I’m sorry, but I’m checkin’ out this time around.
I find a lot wrong with your view of the “problem” but i’ll just name 2.
1. This is the same issue black women have been dealing with for decades.
2. “she’s a hyper-empowered overly independent, afro-chick.” Would that description ever be used for a man? I’m sorry but I’m going to call that line what it is… sexist.
BlackWoman: I think it’s a given that folks (men & women) “do” what they can. Article seems cautionary of one [misguided] mindset lest it catch on. (pose, btw, else i may vote ‘nay’ on your question).
The Paragon: I agree that Rev limited his history of Black folks to America. Though seeing how slave-owners effectively erased the identities of Blacks in America, is the post Middle Passage era not a fitting genesis for the men and behavior it seems Karen has a biased against? Though I do concede that we don’t know who she means by Black men and that I, myself, don’t know how non-Americanized Black men are in relationships so yes, Rev’s comment was near-sighted. Though I too like to make-believe that Black men weren’t f*cking up in relationships before that, makes me feel better.
Also, I agree that in terms of relationships folks should just do what they feel. Though that Coalition of Intervening Black Folks could be useful in other areas.
Stago Lee: “There is no man out there, there is no system set up to stop us…” Word? I see that and you seem more like the one-hit blunder rather than the individual/archetype to which your handle refers. I mean aside from one-offs like COINTELPRO and supremist organizations that would otherwise be considered terrorist bodies were it not for their racial make-up, you are right; there is no SYSTEM set up to destroy us. More like a collective fear/bias leading to a (hopefully) unconscious discrimination. But that aside, yes, Black folks can do much better.
Now why any woman should want to “follow” a true man, i don’t know. If she chooses to stand beside him for better/worse/richer/poorer, cool, do your thing, hope everything works out. However, a woman doesn’t need a man to do a d*mn thing for her. You’re right, skip the focus on gold/platinum/whatever, we should focus on our families. And i don’t think you are wrong to revere women, but not as a prize or some other object. So if that is how you view women consider yourself blessed if ANY woman chooses to allow you to share your life/strength/weakness/”seed” as opposed to that of your enemies.
I believe that we should be careful of a sub-servant attitude. It is too easy to ignore the fact, the strong Moorish males are locked away, and torn from there habitats while the weaker and easily assimilated are embraced into European society. Why should we as blacks sit by and watch each other destroy ourselves. There is no man out there, there is no system set up to stop us, we are the man, and we are the system. You take away the mother from the family unit and who teaches the child? Who tells that child of our struggle, we blame black males for not being great men and fathers, but I ask you “Paragon” are you willing to humble yourself a follow the lead of a true man, one who embraces his weakness, shares his strengths and demands the respect of his peers. Are maybe he is just another controlling, self serving man.
We should not be blinded by the luster of glimmering gold! Instead we should shine like suns, Sons of man, and gods like Hotep. Where’s your foresight oracle, paragon, prophetess, and my seed should be nurtured in the womb of Eve. Why should I settle for sowing my oats, with women from to and fro? Yes love is love if free, I believe it to be true, but at what cost are women our beautiful queens are at the mercy of our enemies. (By enemies I mean any man are woman the stands by as our community is broken in pieces; that means it could be you, me, any given soul!)
I think we all should be cautious of over-used racial rhetoric. While I think the article was interesting to analyze one person’s [[misguided]] view of reason for their relationships, I think that it is a slippery slope of generalizing people actions. For instance, the article is not saying that Black women are dating White dudes because they are better dating material, but is stating one woman’s supposed view.
Also, I don’t agree with the Reverend’s isolated comment about the white man having more practice “dominating” black women. First off, too often do we assume the civilization of Black folks started from the Diaspora of African Slaves in the Americas. Technically males in general, in Anglo or African or wherever societies have pretty much wrote the law of the land and “dominating” over the female sex overall. Now I know that some people romanticize about some African cultures that are built on matriarch principles, at the end of the day, dudes do the decision making. And don’t let me even go into the false romanticized perception of polygamous unions in African societies (cause that sh*t is whack, I have seen some examples and have drawn my conclusions).
But honestly, the past is there for us to learn from it. I just wonder when people say that the “white man is holdin us down” or we shouldn’t “surrender our most prized possession” the black woman, do people really realize what they are talking about or are they just talking to talk? I just picture a professionally dressed coalition of intervention Black folks casing out restaurants or movie theaters Saturdays nights looking for inter-racial couples and dissolving the union, involuntarily committing the women to 30-day “Love yourself, love your race” rehab.
People should date who they want to date, and the beauty of this free will is that your intentions can be on point or straight up wrong, your choice, your bad.
Why do we find it necessary to idolizes, blame, and envy white men and women. We are not the slaves and savages that they portray us as. I have a theory on why we I do. The image of the black male has been tarnished and slander, but who do we blame? Willie Lynch for barbaric and physiological approach on the mind of the black slave are do we blame ourselves. We can not accept the surrender of our most prize possession the black women, just as much as we can not allow the scrambling of the black males mind. It is time the chains come undone.
I would like to propose a question: if (as the article indicates) Black women date White men because they seem to be better dating material, then why do Black men date White women, or as DarkBrotha says “do”.
[::sigh::] In theory… the white man has had more practice dominating the black woman.
I date white women. And by “date” I mean do. But I DATE black women (I do them also). I kinda agree w/ some of the stuff above but I don’t get how many black women feel they have to be in a relationship by the time they’re 20 or they’ll die an Old Maid. That’s madd depressing. I think for black women nowadays, interracial relationships are becoming somewhat of a fad…which is offensive. But then agian, probably alot of women got mad when I said i “date” white women. And by “date”, I mean “do”.
One of the best quotes I ever got about interracial dating from a guy I interviewed was that the couple would be “unevenly yoked,” which is so true. All interracial relationships eventually will have to deal with the fact that they are indeed interracial. A lot of people say race isn’t an issue, but if you stay around long enough in an interracial relationship, trust me it will come up.
Nice piece.