My Problem w/ Interracial Dating
I have a problem w/ interracial dating, but it’s not for the reasons you think. I’m gonna just jump right into this so buckle up sistas. I’m a 26 yr old black man with two degrees and a well-paying job. No, I’m not bragging, but this will become relevant later. I’m not against interracial relationships, I just have problems with what seems to be a growing percentage of them….and it’s you boo.
Yes, black woman, it’s you. I know that statistically I’m an anomaly. But more and more of my twenty-something year old female friends are growing tired of there “Not being enough good men” around. In their growing frustration, and in their ever-growing wisdom, they come up with the grandaddy of all resolutions, “I’m gonna date outside my race!“. I personally don’t see the problem w/ expanding your horizons and opening up your options, but far too often what this really means is “I’m gonna find a white guy, cuz brotha’s is f$%kin’ up!”. Why are these women acting like they’re 35? Seriously?
My friend, let’s call her “Karen”, is a prime example. After talking to Karen and asking her why she sees that as a solution, she informs me that
“All my previous relationships have turned out horrible, and statistically, black men lead white men in domestic abuse by [insert high number]%. White men just care and treat us sistas better. If black men can’t treat me right and commit, then I’m going to jump ship. Black men mess w/ white girls all the time, why shouldn’t I?”
Now the reason this pisses me off is that what this does is that it subconsciously puts the white man above a black man, and in their mind, “better”. Better for them, better in bed, better for marriage, just better. More importantly, it means that when they pass by me and a white man, they will chose him because he is “statistically better” than myself. What the hell did I do? I don’t care what the numbers say or the statistics. I’m me. But not to make it all about me, this is also dangerous for the woman.
This is because she’s setting herself up for failure, disguised as success. No doubt that dating a white man will be a very different experience, but in that experience, the woman already comes into the relationship with a predisposition to label this new relationship that is different, as better. This is amplified if the couple has a good run. All of a sudden, her hunch is verified and she’s off running spreading the word to all her girlfriends that she’s found the Dead Sea Scrolls. In actuality, he’s just indulging in a chocolate fantasy. Okay, lemme not be bitter. Whether he likes her for her or for her sweet chocolate lovin’, what she’s done is possibly overlooked the very flaws that have gotten her rejected from black men in the first place.
Back to Karen. Karen started dating a white man about a week after she made her declaration and they were together for a while. She swears that it’s because white men treat sistas better, but what she doesn’t understand is that Karen has some issues. Karen is crazy. More specifically, she’s a hyper-empowered overly independent, afro-chick. We all know what I mean by that. Karen is the kind of person that will yell at a man for holding the door open for her cuz “I don’t need to be dominated as the weaker gender by the likes of you“ . What’s sad, is that’s an actual quote. Black men don’t wanna pick fights for no reason every 2-3 seconds, and I highly doubt any man does. So Karen’s biggest turn off is her paranoia of becoming submissive (or compromising). She overlooked her flaw because she just figured it had to be that black dudes don’t know how to treat a woman, and white dudes do (consciously or subconsciously).
Ladies, if you’re gonna date a white man, please…please date a man…who happens to be white. Don’t do it cuz you wanna get your groove back, or because you’re “done” w/ brothas. I love you all too much to see ya’ll sell yourselves short by not addressing your problems. As a comedian once said “If you’re 35 talkin bout ‘Men ain’t sh$#!’, then it’s you boo.” Fix yourself and stop being so jaded. Karen got dumped by the dude after he wrecked shop all up in that chocolate. I’m not saying that this is gonna happen, I’m just saying that’s what happened to Karen. Because Karen is crazy.
Discuss…
One of the best quotes I ever got about interracial dating from a guy I interviewed was that the couple would be “unevenly yoked,” which is so true. All interracial relationships eventually will have to deal with the fact that they are indeed interracial. A lot of people say race isn’t an issue, but if you stay around long enough in an interracial relationship, trust me it will come up.
Nice piece.
I date white women. And by “date” I mean do. But I DATE black women (I do them also). I kinda agree w/ some of the stuff above but I don’t get how many black women feel they have to be in a relationship by the time they’re 20 or they’ll die an Old Maid. That’s madd depressing. I think for black women nowadays, interracial relationships are becoming somewhat of a fad…which is offensive. But then agian, probably alot of women got mad when I said i “date” white women. And by “date”, I mean “do”.
[::sigh::] In theory… the white man has had more practice dominating the black woman.
I would like to propose a question: if (as the article indicates) Black women date White men because they seem to be better dating material, then why do Black men date White women, or as DarkBrotha says “do”.
Why do we find it necessary to idolizes, blame, and envy white men and women. We are not the slaves and savages that they portray us as. I have a theory on why we I do. The image of the black male has been tarnished and slander, but who do we blame? Willie Lynch for barbaric and physiological approach on the mind of the black slave are do we blame ourselves. We can not accept the surrender of our most prize possession the black women, just as much as we can not allow the scrambling of the black males mind. It is time the chains come undone.
I think we all should be cautious of over-used racial rhetoric. While I think the article was interesting to analyze one person’s [[misguided]] view of reason for their relationships, I think that it is a slippery slope of generalizing people actions. For instance, the article is not saying that Black women are dating White dudes because they are better dating material, but is stating one woman’s supposed view.
Also, I don’t agree with the Reverend’s isolated comment about the white man having more practice “dominating” black women. First off, too often do we assume the civilization of Black folks started from the Diaspora of African Slaves in the Americas. Technically males in general, in Anglo or African or wherever societies have pretty much wrote the law of the land and “dominating” over the female sex overall. Now I know that some people romanticize about some African cultures that are built on matriarch principles, at the end of the day, dudes do the decision making. And don’t let me even go into the false romanticized perception of polygamous unions in African societies (cause that sh*t is whack, I have seen some examples and have drawn my conclusions).
But honestly, the past is there for us to learn from it. I just wonder when people say that the “white man is holdin us down” or we shouldn’t “surrender our most prized possession” the black woman, do people really realize what they are talking about or are they just talking to talk? I just picture a professionally dressed coalition of intervention Black folks casing out restaurants or movie theaters Saturdays nights looking for inter-racial couples and dissolving the union, involuntarily committing the women to 30-day “Love yourself, love your race” rehab.
People should date who they want to date, and the beauty of this free will is that your intentions can be on point or straight up wrong, your choice, your bad.
I believe that we should be careful of a sub-servant attitude. It is too easy to ignore the fact, the strong Moorish males are locked away, and torn from there habitats while the weaker and easily assimilated are embraced into European society. Why should we as blacks sit by and watch each other destroy ourselves. There is no man out there, there is no system set up to stop us, we are the man, and we are the system. You take away the mother from the family unit and who teaches the child? Who tells that child of our struggle, we blame black males for not being great men and fathers, but I ask you “Paragon†are you willing to humble yourself a follow the lead of a true man, one who embraces his weakness, shares his strengths and demands the respect of his peers. Are maybe he is just another controlling, self serving man.
We should not be blinded by the luster of glimmering gold! Instead we should shine like suns, Sons of man, and gods like Hotep. Where’s your foresight oracle, paragon, prophetess, and my seed should be nurtured in the womb of Eve. Why should I settle for sowing my oats, with women from to and fro? Yes love is love if free, I believe it to be true, but at what cost are women our beautiful queens are at the mercy of our enemies. (By enemies I mean any man are woman the stands by as our community is broken in pieces; that means it could be you, me, any given soul!)
BlackWoman: I think it’s a given that folks (men & women) “do” what they can. Article seems cautionary of one [misguided] mindset lest it catch on. (pose, btw, else i may vote ‘nay’ on your question).
The Paragon: I agree that Rev limited his history of Black folks to America. Though seeing how slave-owners effectively erased the identities of Blacks in America, is the post Middle Passage era not a fitting genesis for the men and behavior it seems Karen has a biased against? Though I do concede that we don’t know who she means by Black men and that I, myself, don’t know how non-Americanized Black men are in relationships so yes, Rev’s comment was near-sighted. Though I too like to make-believe that Black men weren’t f*cking up in relationships before that, makes me feel better.
Also, I agree that in terms of relationships folks should just do what they feel. Though that Coalition of Intervening Black Folks could be useful in other areas.
Stago Lee: “There is no man out there, there is no system set up to stop us…” Word? I see that and you seem more like the one-hit blunder rather than the individual/archetype to which your handle refers. I mean aside from one-offs like COINTELPRO and supremist organizations that would otherwise be considered terrorist bodies were it not for their racial make-up, you are right; there is no SYSTEM set up to destroy us. More like a collective fear/bias leading to a (hopefully) unconscious discrimination. But that aside, yes, Black folks can do much better.
Now why any woman should want to “follow” a true man, i don’t know. If she chooses to stand beside him for better/worse/richer/poorer, cool, do your thing, hope everything works out. However, a woman doesn’t need a man to do a d*mn thing for her. You’re right, skip the focus on gold/platinum/whatever, we should focus on our families. And i don’t think you are wrong to revere women, but not as a prize or some other object. So if that is how you view women consider yourself blessed if ANY woman chooses to allow you to share your life/strength/weakness/”seed” as opposed to that of your enemies.
I find a lot wrong with your view of the “problem” but i’ll just name 2.
1. This is the same issue black women have been dealing with for decades.
2. “she’s a hyper-empowered overly independent, afro-chick.” Would that description ever be used for a man? I’m sorry but I’m going to call that line what it is… sexist.
I say get over it. Seriously. If your ego wasn’t such a big part of the picture which is the case for most black males, black females wouldn’t have a problem with considering you or black males in general. You see, the problem is black males want the picture perfect woman, perfect hair, a perfect body, sex, basically unrealistic and un-practical things in a woman. And you see, if a black females feels more loved an accepted and TREATED BETTER by a male of another race, why not? You should stop being so doubled-standard and selfish and do you. I have natural hair and am a beautiful African-American female. Lately, I have recieved bad vibes from, you guessed it, black men. But for men of other races, they seem to accept me more. So I’m sorry, but I’m checkin’ out this time around.
Re: PA Pierson’s comment — Seriously? Point personified. By knocking down yourself you oh so predictably idealized others. Can’t say that I dated a representative sample of black men or other men of other races for that matter, but I do know that people can be triflin. Period. Relationships are tough. If you are dating exclusively black dudes and are not getting any results, your conclusion “Black men are triflin” is incomplete. “Black men THAT YOU DATED are triflin BASED ON YOUR OPINION”, now complete.
PS – this is AMERICA. Materialism and instant gratification are a lot sexier that modesty, appreciation, and an intimate sense of self worth. So “picture perfect woman, perfect hair, a perfect body, sex, basically unrealistic and un-practical things in a woman” is a recurring theme hammered into the heads of all. Remember, not all white women look like Kate Moss, and not all white men want [end up with] such a woman. So being black makes you immune to mass media [brainwashing] marketing?
PS to the PS – Yeh. . . not all “beautiful natural African-American sistas” are “beautiful”. Just because you resist the lye don’t make you special. . .[waiting for hostile revolts]. . . but it is true. To call yourself “beautiful black blaa blaa blaa” is kinda redundant, cuz aren’t all people beautiful . . .and yes, I wear my hair natural — which is not to say that doing such validates my point . . .
Essentially, saying “I don’t date [insert race] cause they [insert excuse] that is why is I date [insert perceived better option]” is like saying “F— men now I date women!” — I mean don’t women of all races have issues with relationships and are all lesbians happy in their relationships? Come on, now. . .
But thanks for the comment. Will inspire future editorials.
Interracial dating,, /black-white dating/ I find to be the strangest thing. If you think about it to hard, it will really mess up your mind. I think about lynching and the pictures I have seen were whites would gather like it was a picnic, I think of Emett Till at 14 and how he was mutilated at the age of 14 for speaking, whistleing or looking, at a white woman, I am not sure which of these he actually did, but he was killed for it which ever it was. And then I think about a whole generation of blacks who do not know, or do not what to know about these things. I am not blaming anyone for anything, history is what it is. BUT I WONT FORGET. I will remember how and why Black men were portrayed as devils and demons that wanted to rape every white woman that walked the streets, and how every white father wanted to protect his daughter from the black man. The white father was afraid that the black man would rape and destroy his daughter , that if the black man were given a chance. That the black man would take his precious little white daughter and make little black children…. Was he right?????????????
It never ceases to amaze me how fk*ed up you blacks are. Whenever a conversation about race comes up you inevitebly run to the dating game. The real shame is that your race and your black/brown skin is as much a mystery to you as it is to white america. The real problem is that you have never ‘been’ anything. Your ancestors were Africans – but once your blood became polluted with that of the massa’s, you became nothing…just a big nothingness as a race. Probably because you were still property at that time and weren’t allowed to become a separate race of people, you looked outside for something to compare yourself with. And probably because you found nothing to compare yourself to in the new world, you continued to stagnate until someone (massa) told you that you were Colored, or Black, or AfroAmerican, or even today, African-American. The systematic destruction of your language, families, and any social bonds left a void that still exists today between blacks. And because this destruction was self-perpetuating (massa planted the seed and you kept doing it to each other) we have finally arrived at the fulfillment of massa’ plan. The final phase where the earth can be cleansed of as many of you as possible…’Interracial Dating”. Well, thats what you call it anyway…to the white race that has been trying to get rid of you since Reconstruction, it is simply called “Success”. Keep dating and marrying white girls, black men – all that happens is that you disappear. When you die you leave no Black legacy. Your money, property, and even the little wiggers you leave behind eventually goes back to white america. It is almost as if you never existed. Its really as if you never lived.
To SolarGoddess?
Thank you. Thank you, because sometimes I forget that ignorance is still out there. And then posts like yours makes it clear.
Icing on the cake would be if you were a Black sista:
You endure obstacles and opposition
And not all the time from…from other nationalities
Sometimes it come from your own kind
–Common “U, Black Maybe”
Wow. That’s all i can really say to most of these comments and the post. I’m a 19 yr old black female. I don’t think, actually i know that all black females date outside of their race becasue black men don’t cut it or get the job done. I’ve dates inside my race and white guys. I just personally find white guys to be alot more attractive. No, let me reword that. I’m just more attracted to white guys. Most of my family date the opposite race. And for hat comment about blacks dating whites, and it shouldn’t happen becasue of how whites treated blacks way back then, i disagree with. Blacks know about what happened back then, key work back then. It’s the past and i know you won’t forget it. You should never forget it, but it shouldn’t be engraved in your mind to where it effects who you date. Love is blind, “color blind” and should have no limits. I’m not going to restrict myself and no one else should just becasue of what happened in the past or becasue of what other people think. I’m not going to restrict myself from who i date or love becasue of how society thinks and feels. That comment about the only reason blacks date outside their race, is to eventually get rid of blacks is just….. i don’t know. I really don’t have anywords for that becasue it’s so crazy. That stuff just shows me that people still act as they did then, racist. I may not be around it, but stuff like that reminds me that it’s still out there. People don’t generally date outside their race becasue they can’t find what there looking for, but maybe just becasue they want to. I see more black men dating white women then anything. Its not just women. I personally think there’s nothing wrong with it, but that’s my opinion. I’m not trying to change anyones mind or say i’m right, but that’s what i think and how i feel.
Hmm. I think it’s not fair to blame the fault on black women. I believe that no one is at fualt; Think (if you’re educated right?) How can a women who did not grow up with a positive MALE figure ( not father but MALE figure) Find emotional security with the oposite sex? Also how can be see model approproite behavior among men and women when she did not learn that? The end result is emotionally scared women ( I think). I see the same patterns primarly among my clients who are African descent. So tblame it on black women, I thinks it’s cheap hit. Maybe you need to find better one; or get with all the “education” you have find a book.
I doubt that I was casting any blame on anyone in this article. If that’s what you think or that’s the way it came off, then tha’s not what I was trying to get at. My “problem” w/ interracial dating actually doesn’t have anything to do w/ the interracial-ness of the relationship. The point I was TRYING to make was that what I DO have a problem w/ is when people “male or female” chose white over black (or X over Y really) because they’ve subconsciously put one racial group over the other.
No matter how you cut that, tha’s prejudice, plain and simple. A few bad apples should not spoil the entire batch. Many people have said “But guys do it even more/just as much”. Well, tha’s not right either. I was just writing about how that affects me as a guy, so of course I’m going to talk to one side, it’s an editorial.
and was the whole “find a book ” comment necessary. You can disagree w/ me all day, mudslinging and whatnot’s kinda pointless. Let’s keep it clean. Thanks.
I see your point but I still think that it’s too simple to blame the finger at individuals; I believe that we are the offsprings of our social conditions and norms. I think that issue here isn’t so much why there is interracial dating but rather what message of whiteness is given to us (citizen) which in return we act on those same images. Also even for those who try to stay blame with do it under the acceptence of whiteness. Ex. I know alot of sista’s who have their hair natural and go to state that they love their blackness and black brotha’s yet, they date black men who try to assimilate into the white standards of living, or whiteness. So my question is how can there be solidary in between the black relationship when into to be successful one must assimilate to white?