The Background

This story starts off with a friend whom we will call Lyle, because it sounds funny. During a water break at the gym, my friend Lyle began to retell his Valentine’s Day disaster story from this passed month. Two months back, at a friend’s party, Lyle met a very very attractive Pretty Lady. Lyle and Pretty Lady struck up a conversation and seemed to hit it off, eventually exchanging phone numbers. Thus began a long string of hour-and-a-half long phone conversations.

Lyle and Pretty Lady talked about everything: life, sports, food, movies, politics, everything. Every so often, Lyle found himself spending the wee hours of the night on Pretty Lady’s couch after an evening of great food and a movie. However, just like any “platonic” relationship, Lyle began to catch feelings for Pretty Lady, hard. Lyle knew in his heart that he and Pretty Lady would make a great couple because they seemed to be in sync on almost every level. Lyle could talk to her about anything and she seemed to relate to that, as if they just  clicked. Lyle was sure she’d see this too.

Soon, Lyle decided that he’d spent enough time hanging out with Pretty Lady and decided to ask her out. Lyle carefully hatched a plan to take her out on Valentine’s Day, as she had no date. Lyle showed up at Pretty Lady’s door with a fist full of flowers and told her,

“We’re going out today. Who needs a Valentine!”. And with that, they were off.

After a fun afternoon of boating and an evening show, at dinner, Lyle decided that the time was right to tell Pretty Lady how he felt. Lyle began his speech about how great she is and how much they should be together and just knew she’d see it too. Negative. Pretty Lady looked Lyle dead in the eye and with a sympathetic but assertive look told him that,

“I don’t see you that way. You’re my friend and I want to keep it that way”.

Needless to say, Lyle spent the rest of the awkward night wishing for an end that never seemed to come.

After a few days of self pity, Lyle continued to talk to Pretty Lady on the phone, almost nightly and they resumed their “normal” relationship. Lyle’s heart was tearing. He knew that she should see him as “more than friends” but had probably just missed something. Lyle approached me for advice and asked,

“How do I get out of the ‘Friend-Zone’ and get her to like me? Moreover, how can I continue to be her friend when I have such intense feelings for her? If we connect so deeply, how come I can’t convert?”

As always, I had to hit Lyle with the Truth.

Check out Part II of “Genius Theory: The Platonic Road Fork”

Before I started explaining the situation to my friend, I paused. Just to make sure I wasn’t jumping the gun, I asked a few questions first because Lyle’s story sounded like there was much that he conveniently left out. I asked him a few questions and these are some of the things I uncovered:

• Since the very beginning of the relationship, Lyle speaks with her a few times a day, just about everyday.
• Lyle has thrice taken Pretty Lady out on extravagant dinners and outings.
• Every time Lyle makes a flirtatious comment to Pretty Lady, she tells him to stop or that it makes her uncomfortable.
• Lyle buys Pretty Lady “Just Because” presents for no reason such as appliances, home decor, etc.
• Lyle gets jealous when he’s around guys that she is dating or brings them up in conversation.
• Pretty Lady could care less who Lyle dates and sometimes encourages him in his relationships.

The truth is that Lyle has no chance. Like none. But what is worse is that he’s doing everything wrong.

The Theory

There is no official formula for getting out of the “friend zone”, but as it is with most things, prevention is better than cure. I told Lyle that his biggest mistake was not paying any attention to what I call the “Platonic Road Fork”. The Platonic Road Fork (or PRF)  is the point in which a man and woman whom have just met must individually make a decision about the future of their relationship. On one end of the fork, you decide to remain friends and just friends. Down the other side of the fork, you decide to pursue a romantic relationship. Everyone does this but some people do it more quickly than others, so fast that they don’t even realize they’ve made that decision.

Oftentimes, this is where people get confused because they start blurring the line between “friends” and “not friends”. It’s important that we have a clear outline for our relationships with the opposite sex and make a mental note of where we stand early on. Yes, things change and positions shift, but having a outline keeps us from getting lost and defining out relationship situation as “complicated“. Lyle was too busy enjoying himself to define his intentions with Pretty Lady. And when it comes to the PRF, the earlier you choose, the better and more clear everything will be. Now I’m not saying that there is anything wrong with “just seeing what happens” or “going with the flow”. I don’t categorize every female I meet, but just as an outline for a research paper helps keeps your thoughts in order, stopping at the PRF keeps things from getting tricky. Because Lyle didn’t stop, he inadvertently landed himself in the “friend-zone” and no matter how much Lyle wants to to get out, he can’t unless Pretty Lady lets him, which she won’t.

The Truth

Now here’s the important part, so guys LISTEN UP!

The phone is for making dates happen. Period. If you are a guy and you’re yapping away on a nightly 3-hour phone conversation with some fine hottie, chances are she’s more interested in you’re company and friendship than what’s in your pants or what you’re lips feel like.  With every long phone conversation that passes without a date being set, you’re digging yourself deeper and deeper into the friend zone. And he’s doing this everyday! I don’t even talk to my mom everyday.

Don’t buy gifts to be sweet if you don’t know if the girl is really into you, and if she IS really into you then guess what…you don’t have to impress her, she already likes you. Dump the Romeo act, it’s tired. Showing a girl how “sweet” you are is a tactic, a trick, and planned attack. We’re trying to make it seem like we’re naturally caring so she falls for it. Think not? Go and try to show someone how incredibly humble you are. If you’re a sweet guy, be yourself and it’ll show, otherwise you’ll either end up broke from buying nonreciprocating gifts or appear creepy/stalkerish.

And if you care more about her auxiliary relationships with members of the other sex than she does yours, then she doesn’t care about having one with you.

The Verdict

In response to Lyle’s question, “… how can I continue to be her friend when I have such intense feelings for her?”, I told him that he can’t. His feelings for her are heavy and her feelings for him are nonexistent. He either needs to remove all romantic feelings for her and cut his loses, or cut his friendship with her off altogether. All the “sweet” things he’s doing for her aren’t done because he’s a nice guy, he’s doing them because he’s a nice guy who likes her and he’s trying to buy his way into her heart. These are things friends don’t do. She’s not going to budge, so Lyle needs to move on.

Discuss.

-The Genius

My best friend was perusing a gaming magazine recently and noticed a short blurb on a new video game coming out… you ready?…wait for it…wait for it… 50 Cent: Blood on the Sand. Oh! I kid you not. Essentially 50 Cent murdering mofos in the Middle East. Now I will give Vivendi the benefit of the doubt that the premise (and it’s proclivity to alliteration) is pure happenstance but one can’t help but wonder… who would ‘Fiddy’ have beef with in the Middle East? Oh wait, given the current bogeyman status of terrorism in the U.S., why not allow youths to “spread democracy” as their favorite chunky rapper against… I dunno… probably Al-Qaeda. No, that would be just too blatant. One could already make a small leap and view the game as an accidental allegory for the belief that the government is sending young Black males focused on improving their economic status to handle its political stumbles as one would send a janitor for a mess. I’m not making that leap, I’m just saying someone could see it that way. However, it turns out the game is a sequel to 50 Cent: Bloodmoney and IGN reports the game is described as a mix between Three Kings and Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels. (Seriously, IGN?)

Anyway, the game sparked a new theory for me though. We’ll say conspiracy theory to make it easily laughable and dismissible. So… ::exhale:: what if the mainstream was trying to make black folks republicans? Give it a second. And I guess I should say “republicans again”. Now throw on your best Oswald Bates impression and ‘propose the question again!’ Using rappers to represent mainstream thugs and politicians/lobbyists to represent mainstream republicans, let’s just look at three signatures of each…

No Homo: Rampant throughout the hood, homophobia has swelled to the point that you can’t even talk about your male friend (pause? … no, exactly) because now you need some sort of qualifier disavowing any conceivable erotic/romantic connection. For the grand old party (GOP), it goes without saying the lack of tolerance for such a stereotypically liberal orientation. Most hypocritically evident in how disconcerted Vice President Cheney gets whenever his lesbian daughter, Mary Cheney is mentioned. The usual justification/excuse being “it’s in the Bible”. Which brings us to our next signature…

The Original G: Even the most hardcore, weight-moving, whore-mongering, cold-blooded street disciple has a desperate need to cling to his faith. On wax, you hear the “thug” rapper with that one religious track talking about a higher power’s omnipotence/omniscience or thanking Him for allowing said rapper to be where he is now (and thus do what he does – which makes you wonder if they think God condones the hustle). Either way, they love Him. And though they may not be in the pews on Sunday, they make no hesitation in expressing their faith. Most stereotypically through a tattoo or jewelry, such as the ever-popular ‘Jesus-piece’. Again, I doubt we even need to note the political alignment of the bible belt and beyond. Shoot, nowadays if you’re not touching a Great Lake, the Pacific Ocean, or New England your probably in a red state. I whole-heartedly expect to see Gov. Schwarzenegger with a Jesus-piece one day. Give him time, he was the Terminator. And that shoot-first-ask-later persona brings us to the last signature…

Pistol Grip Pump: “From my cold, dead hands” exclaimed past NRA president Charlton Heston. The right-wing’s embrace of the second amendment has grown perversely near to a religion as well. Who goes hunting? Who joins the military for sh*ts and giggles? Not thugs, but they still tote them burners. Can we count the number of arrests including firearms? Hell, even D’Angelo was charged with carrying a concealed weapon in January 2005. Wasn’t T.I. recently jailed for attempting to purchase three machine guns not to mention his man-size safe of assault rifles? Imagine John C. Sigler (NRA) showing up in his defense to protest his conviction.

Bonus signature: MONEY! They ’bout they paper. And neither is afraid to do crime to get it. “Do thangs, do thangs, do thangs, bad things with it… ”

Now that I think about it, The Daily Show’s Wyatt Cenac recently did a segment called “Rapper or Republican” where he described an individual while host, Jon Stewart, was supposed to “guess” whether it was one or the other. As a viewer I assumed it would be clear, but in actuality it was amusing how similar certain aspects of the two groups are on paper. Apparently I’m not the only one picking up on this congruence. Anyway, I’m not saying beware I’m just throwing it out there lest it transgress ‘excuse me, I mean transvestite our colonic threshold.’

I have a problem w/ interracial dating, but it’s not for the reasons you think. I’m gonna just jump right into this so buckle up sistas. I’m a 26 yr old black man with two degrees and a well-paying job. No, I’m not bragging, but this will become relevant later. I’m not against interracial relationships, I just have problems with what seems to be a growing percentage of them….and it’s you boo.

Yes, black woman, it’s you. I know that statistically I’m an anomaly. But more and more of my twenty-something year old female friends are growing tired of there “Not being enough good men” around. In their growing frustration, and in their ever-growing wisdom, they come up with the grandaddy of all resolutions, “I’m gonna date outside my race!“. I personally don’t see the problem w/ expanding your horizons and opening up your options, but far too often what this really means is “I’m gonna find a white guy, cuz brotha’s is f$%kin’ up!”. Why are these women acting like they’re 35? Seriously?

My friend, let’s call her “Karen”, is a prime example. After talking to Karen and asking her why she sees that as a solution, she informs me that

“All my previous relationships have turned out horrible, and statistically, black men lead white men in domestic abuse by [insert high number]%. White men just care and treat us sistas better. If black men can’t treat me right and commit, then I’m going to jump ship. Black men mess w/ white girls all the time, why shouldn’t I?”

Now the reason this pisses me off is that what this does is that it subconsciously puts the white man above a black man, and in their mind, “better”. Better for them, better in bed, better for marriage, just better. More importantly, it means that when they pass by me and a white man, they will choose him because he is “statistically better” than myself. What the hell did I do? I don’t care what the numbers say or the statistics. I’m me. But not to make it all about me, this is also dangerous for the woman.

This is because she’s setting herself up for failure, disguised as success. No doubt that dating a white man will be a very different experience, but in that experience, the woman already comes into the relationship with a predisposition to label this new relationship that is different, as better. This is amplified if the couple has a good run. All of a sudden, her hunch is verified and she’s off running spreading the word to all her girlfriends that she’s found the Dead Sea Scrolls. In actuality, he’s just indulging in a chocolate fantasy. Okay, lemme not be bitter. Whether he likes her for her or for her sweet chocolate lovin’, what she’s done is possibly overlooked the very flaws that have gotten her rejected from black men in the first place.

Back to Karen. Karen started dating a white man about a week after she made her declaration and they were together for a while. She swears that it’s because white men treat sistas better, but what she doesn’t understand is that Karen has some issues. Karen is crazy. More specifically, she’s a hyper-empowered overly independent, afro-chick. We all know what I mean by that. Karen is the kind of person that will yell at a man for holding the door open for her cuz “I don’t need to be dominated as the weaker gender by the likes of you“ . What’s sad, is that’s an actual quote. Black men don’t wanna pick fights for no reason every 2-3 seconds, and I highly doubt any man does. So Karen’s biggest turn off is her paranoia of becoming submissive (or compromising). She overlooked her flaw because she just figured it had to be that black dudes don’t know how to treat a woman, and white dudes do (consciously or subconsciously).

Ladies, if you’re gonna date a white man, please…please date a man…who happens to be white. Don’t do it cuz you wanna get your groove back, or because you’re “done” w/ brothas. I love you all too much to see ya’ll sell yourselves short by not addressing your problems. As a comedian once said “If you’re 35 talkin bout ‘Men ain’t sh$#!’, then it’s you boo.” Fix yourself and stop being so jaded. Karen got dumped by the dude after he wrecked shop all up in that chocolate. I’m not saying that this is gonna happen, I’m just saying that’s what happened to Karen. Because Karen is crazy.

Discuss…

The Theory

In an ideal world, women and men (same-sex relationships too) will have equal power and stake in a relationship. At some point, we’ve all approached (long-term) relationships w/ the goal of achieving that, well most of us anyway. I know some of you say “I know ____ and _____ have a 50/50 relationship”! That’s only cuz the mental tug of war only appears 50/50 at that snapshot in time. In other words, 50/50, cannot sustain itself for long periods of time. When we say 50/50, we mean just that. 50% of everything in the relationship is controlled and owned by each partner. This includes equal share in decision-making, equal share in savings contribution, checking accounts, etc, thus making the partners absolute equals. This is where everything goes to the shits.

The whole 50/50 relationship myth is based on the premise that man and woman can be equals when in fact, this is cannot happen as men and women are not equal. Before I get pounced on ladies, take a deep breath, and if you need to, go get a drink from the fridge and get comfortable before you read on. This post is intended to educate, not devalue. First of all, I said Men ≠  Women not Men > Women. Besides all the obvious intellectual, physical, hormonal, and reproductive differences between the two, we all know that relationships are about mental strategy. Even for couples who are happily married and get along great have some level of mind games being played.

I’m one of those brothers that have little to no tolerance for those stupid games people play. I’m not going to scientifically calculate who’s gonna call who first, make someone guess how I’m feeling, or act one way when I really want the opposite. However, the mental tug-of-war I speak of exists in other unavoidable forms. For instance, if/when I screw up, I know that she’s going to let that hang over my head for the longest and I’m going to have to forfeit many-a-argument because she could (and most likely will) pull that cat outta the bag. I also know, if I wait long enough, she’ll screw up too and the tables will turn.

But it’s not just things like that in relationships that weigh them. Ladies, if you’re still listening take note. If your man makes less money than you, he is not and will never ever be cool with that. Money = Power (unfortunately). So if you control the lion’s share of this, your relationship is not 50/50 because you are not starting off on the same playing field. This is why when average brothers date rich girls, it never works.

I could go on and on about this, but I don’t want to talk this point to death. The bottom line is:

We live in a world striving so diligently for equality amongst the sexes. Yet at the same time, it is widely agreed upon by both male and female athletes that professional sports should stay separated. If athletes can understand there are stark differences between sexes, and intergender partnerships, why can’t we just say men and women are not and cannot be equals in a relationship and just move on?

Discuss…

Let me first say that I’m getting really tired of the fact that every time I talk to one of my very good girlfriends, the conversation seems to always stray off into why no one wants them, or how they’re lonely, or how these guys are ___________.

No one’s provided me w/ any information as to why this is, and although there are theories, nothing concrete. As a result, I have to just assume that when you’re a female and 22-25 yrs old, your own personal worth is determined by the success (or lack) of your significant other, and if you’re one of those hags unlucky enough to NOT have a man, then you might as well just sew it up now and join a convent.

But I digress, this Genius Theory comes from a convo I had w/ one of my very good female friends. She’d been talking to a feller for a little over 2 months and was wondering “Why is it taking him so long to make me his girlfriend?”. My response to that was laughter. It’s not that I’m insensitive, it’s just that the last time I heard “Make me your girlfriend” I was on the swings at recess. But rather than give my homegirl another vague ass explanation for the sake of preserving pages out of the Men’s Operating Manual, I let out a huge sigh and told her the truth…You’re not girlfriend material….yet.

The Theory

The game of courtship is like a two way job application and interview process. Now for this to work, we’re gonna first have to assume that neither party is looking to JUST smash, beat, tap dat @$$, etc. But when girl meets boy, the initial job applications are turned in and if that person passes the prescreening (face, smile, body, etc.) they’re given more attention and consideration. The guy might get the phone number to begin phone interviewing or just jump right into the first round. At this point, both parties are usually unaware of exactly how qualified they are as candidates and are equally as unsure about exactly how badly the other wants to hire them. But it’s at this point that everything starts getting all jacked up.

I told my homegirl, “Females’ interviewing process typically lasts significantly shorter than that of a guy. After a few meetings, 1st and 2nd rounds, they’ll either openly offer us the job or make it painfully obvious that they have an immediate opening and need it to be filled ASAP (no pun intended, I swear)”. Now if you have ever interviewed, you’d know that this is the moment when you have the employer’s balls in your hand. This is the exact snapshot in time where you have more power than you will ever have in the entire process. According to the US Dept. of Labor:

There are many issues to consider when assessing a job offer. Will the organization be a good place to work? Will the job be interesting? Are there opportunities for advancement? Is the salary fair? Does the employer offer good benefits? Should you work for a relatively new organization or one that is well established?

More importantly, knowing that you have an offer on the table gives you more time to think. All the guy’s doing is carefully weighing his options. But if a prospective employer puts an applicant on payroll before a formal acceptance is given, tha’s the company’s own damn fault. Cuz hey, if a company wanted to pay you for interviewing, you’d take that damn money and milk it as long as you can whether you were interested in the job or not. So don’t get mad at him, cuz you’re the one playing yourself.

What’s the solution?

Ladies

There isn’t one (that’s practical at least). Become more selective with your interview process and treat it as if you were the CEO of a large corporation interviewing a potential partner or VP. I mean, it’s basically the same thing. You don’t want someone who you barely know running your department into the ground all because you “just had that feeling, you know”. The higher the professional grade of the job, the more intense and lengthy the process. Adjust accordingly.

Fellas

Get money. Nah, seriously. Although I don’t blame you for getting paid to interview, you have to realize there’s a difference between carefully weighing your options, exploiting a broken system, and gambling with your future. Don’t lengthen a process that doesn’t needa be lengthened for no damn reason. I’m pretty sure that at least 2/5 guys have messed up something that coulda lasted alot longer but got greedy. I have, and I’m a GENIUS.

The Moral?

This is the easiest way to screw a chicks head up, well ONE of the easiest. Which may be entertaining, but is no fun when you’re dealing with (or even worse, catching feelings for) the chick that some OTHER dude has already screwed up. Some might say, “I gives a F*** about a B****”, but if you really believe in that whole “Bro’s b4 Hoes” deal, treating a woman right is the best way to look out for your fellow man that may have her next. Unless that ****’s just crazy.

Discuss…