DISCLAIMER: Clearly this is particular to my experience and I don’t mean everybody. But I’m in the heat of the moment and I want to generalize. Besides, if majority rules…

I am officially disappointed in everyone. People really suck, and no, I’m not jaded. People just never make sense. I’m so angry about this, because I see the logic in each situation. I am a reasonable person. I have a good grasp on reality. When I screw up, I’ll say so; and when people screw up, I’ll say that too. And when people just fail, it continues to disappoint me and makes me realize more and more how much people… well… suck.

I feel like I’m saying, “Hey look over here, I’m awesome. Sometimes a little goofy… but overall awesome, wanna go out??” And everyone who is single is like “Hmmmmm. Nah, not right now…” or “Umm, I’d rather settle.” I mean, really? You’re gonna settle? I’m giving you the choice of a big juicy steak (or whatever your favorite meal is) or just a pickle and in your dumbassery you say “Umm, I’ll take the pickle.” REALLY? Ol’ settling ass!! Anyway, now that I’ve told you how people suck, how about I paint a completely hypothetical picture for you?

Tell ‘em Why You Mad
So… boy likes girl when she is not ready, and when girl wants boy, boy says ‘I’m not ready.’ Hmmm, is this a game? Did I forget to bring my mitt to this boring game of toss the interest? I mean, clearly people like to play games.
Why would you try your hardest to convince someone to be with you, when they have just told you they were not ready? Maybe they are ‘damaged’ from their previous relationship? Maybe they’ll tell you that they need some time. Maybe when the time comes, you’re like “Well, no I don’t want to try…” Hold up. Okay, you wanted to try when the person wasn’t trying; and now that they are trying, you don’t want to try? You = stupid, dumdum, goofy ass, just overall incompetent. Yes that is you, and yes, you fail at life.

I honestly believe that you can’t be nice to people and you can’t make anything easy for them BECAUSE THEY ARE STUPID!!!!! I’ve gotten so much farther being a bitch, rather than being the fun-loving, caring, awesomesity that is me. (Not conceited, just giving myself some props). Even still, the most annoying part of this completely hypothetical situation is that a small part of me was questioning, “Do I really want to date this person? Do I really want to try?” He is awesome, but now he has totally proven that he is just part of the goofy-ass herd that is walking away from the water. Really? WOW! I mean, I can only do so much. I’ve basically prepared this great meal, filled up your fork, placed it in your mouth and your stupid confused insecure ass won’t chew!! I officially dislike you strongly. Basically, I’m off you. I’m off every damn thing!! Excuse my language.

So this situation leads me to the place where I am now, confused. I’m just not gonna try; ‘cause when you don’t try, you don’t get hurt or disappointed. I mean, I went a whole year not trying and I had a blast! Now I’m trying and it is lame, I mean really lame.

Relationships are supposed to be fun, but this sucks. What sucks even more is that I seem to connect better with guys who are IN RELATIONSHIPS. Really? It’s like, “Hey! I’m awesome and you’re awesome and…. oooh wait, you have a girlfriend. Oooh and you’ve been dating for 2 yrs. Oooh and your moving in together in August. How flipping lovely! (Damn you and your happy ass girlfriend! I hate you.)

I’ve tried to analyze this conundrum I seem to have found myself in, done some soul searching, talked to friends and these guys in relationships and wonder… is it me?? Am I doing something wrong? Is there something I am not realizing that I need to change?? The response is always the same, “Oooh just wait, when the time is right it will happen” or “You’re awesome and if people don’t realize this, then they are stupid.” I hate that! I love you, friends, but stop telling me how great I am and how everyone else is stupid. I mean, are people really that stupid? Am I really that great that I’m still single? I’m not in a super rush to be “in a relationship”; I just want to hang out with ONE PERSON who make sense.

I mean COME ON!! I’m just so fed up with everyone. I have officially decided not to try. I am going to just go to school, work, and play and if anyone can keep up, I’ll rock their world! Until then I’ll be in my own.

I actually enjoy taking a pretty girl out for a night on the town and, if I got it like that, picking the tab up (just make sure if we decide to go Dutch, you can carry yourself); nevertheless, I don’t really want to take you out every time, or think of ways to spend nice courtly evenings with you. I want to call you up on those lazy Thursday/Friday afternoons when I don’t feel like going out and tell you to come over to my place to just sit and do nothing.

But I can’t do that. Can I? No, because your won’t let me, not because you think I’m just trying to get into your pants, but because you want to be courted longer before we get on that level. I got a problem with that. I’m not gonna court you just because you feel you should be courted. Women always talk about how they don’t wanna be treated like objects or property but then hold out on you and make you wait for the good part in the relationship like they’re auctioning themselves off, looking to maximize the final bid. It’s pure nonsense.

What’s the “Good Part” you might ask?

“The good part” of a relationship is when both parties are comfortable enough around each other to be themselves just about as wholly and completely as they can. When he doesn’t have to make sure his house/apt is spotless before she comes over, when she doesn’t have to dress sexy all the time, when he doesn’t have to close the door when he “drops anchor”, when she can crawl into bed w/ her period panties. Okay, maybe that’s a bit of a hyperbole but it’s exaggerated to illustrate my point. Women shouldn’t “hold out” at the early stages of a relationship just for shits and giggles.

It’s entirely possible to skip to the good part, or simply arrive at the good part without giving too much of yourself to the guy. It’s plain and simple. If you like a guy, and the guy likes you…then like him and let him know that you like him too without making him bid on you. I’m perfectly fine with dating a girl who isn’t sure how much she likes me so I can show her my personality, sense of humour, motivations, etc. But I’m not cool w/ dating a girl who’s already sold on me but is keeping crap from progressing because she’s “old fashioned”. Not cool.

Speak…

The Background

This story starts off with a friend whom we will call Lyle, because it sounds funny. During a water break at the gym, my friend Lyle began to retell his Valentine’s Day disaster story from this passed month. Two months back, at a friend’s party, Lyle met a very very attractive Pretty Lady. Lyle and Pretty Lady struck up a conversation and seemed to hit it off, eventually exchanging phone numbers. Thus began a long string of hour-and-a-half long phone conversations.

Lyle and Pretty Lady talked about everything: life, sports, food, movies, politics, everything. Every so often, Lyle found himself spending the wee hours of the night on Pretty Lady’s couch after an evening of great food and a movie. However, just like any “platonic” relationship, Lyle began to catch feelings for Pretty Lady, hard. Lyle knew in his heart that he and Pretty Lady would make a great couple because they seemed to be in sync on almost every level. Lyle could talk to her about anything and she seemed to relate to that, as if they just  clicked. Lyle was sure she’d see this too.

Soon, Lyle decided that he’d spent enough time hanging out with Pretty Lady and decided to ask her out. Lyle carefully hatched a plan to take her out on Valentine’s Day, as she had no date. Lyle showed up at Pretty Lady’s door with a fist full of flowers and told her,

“We’re going out today. Who needs a Valentine!”. And with that, they were off.

After a fun afternoon of boating and an evening show, at dinner, Lyle decided that the time was right to tell Pretty Lady how he felt. Lyle began his speech about how great she is and how much they should be together and just knew she’d see it too. Negative. Pretty Lady looked Lyle dead in the eye and with a sympathetic but assertive look told him that,

“I don’t see you that way. You’re my friend and I want to keep it that way”.

Needless to say, Lyle spent the rest of the awkward night wishing for an end that never seemed to come.

After a few days of self pity, Lyle continued to talk to Pretty Lady on the phone, almost nightly and they resumed their “normal” relationship. Lyle’s heart was tearing. He knew that she should see him as “more than friends” but had probably just missed something. Lyle approached me for advice and asked,

“How do I get out of the ‘Friend-Zone’ and get her to like me? Moreover, how can I continue to be her friend when I have such intense feelings for her? If we connect so deeply, how come I can’t convert?”

As always, I had to hit Lyle with the Truth.

Check out Part II of “Genius Theory: The Platonic Road Fork”

Before I started explaining the situation to my friend, I paused. Just to make sure I wasn’t jumping the gun, I asked a few questions first because Lyle’s story sounded like there was much that he conveniently left out. I asked him a few questions and these are some of the things I uncovered:

• Since the very beginning of the relationship, Lyle speaks with her a few times a day, just about everyday.
• Lyle has thrice taken Pretty Lady out on extravagant dinners and outings.
• Every time Lyle makes a flirtatious comment to Pretty Lady, she tells him to stop or that it makes her uncomfortable.
• Lyle buys Pretty Lady “Just Because” presents for no reason such as appliances, home decor, etc.
• Lyle gets jealous when he’s around guys that she is dating or brings them up in conversation.
• Pretty Lady could care less who Lyle dates and sometimes encourages him in his relationships.

The truth is that Lyle has no chance. Like none. But what is worse is that he’s doing everything wrong.

The Theory

There is no official formula for getting out of the “friend zone”, but as it is with most things, prevention is better than cure. I told Lyle that his biggest mistake was not paying any attention to what I call the “Platonic Road Fork”. The Platonic Road Fork (or PRF)  is the point in which a man and woman whom have just met must individually make a decision about the future of their relationship. On one end of the fork, you decide to remain friends and just friends. Down the other side of the fork, you decide to pursue a romantic relationship. Everyone does this but some people do it more quickly than others, so fast that they don’t even realize they’ve made that decision.

Oftentimes, this is where people get confused because they start blurring the line between “friends” and “not friends”. It’s important that we have a clear outline for our relationships with the opposite sex and make a mental note of where we stand early on. Yes, things change and positions shift, but having a outline keeps us from getting lost and defining out relationship situation as “complicated“. Lyle was too busy enjoying himself to define his intentions with Pretty Lady. And when it comes to the PRF, the earlier you choose, the better and more clear everything will be. Now I’m not saying that there is anything wrong with “just seeing what happens” or “going with the flow”. I don’t categorize every female I meet, but just as an outline for a research paper helps keeps your thoughts in order, stopping at the PRF keeps things from getting tricky. Because Lyle didn’t stop, he inadvertently landed himself in the “friend-zone” and no matter how much Lyle wants to to get out, he can’t unless Pretty Lady lets him, which she won’t.

The Truth

Now here’s the important part, so guys LISTEN UP!

The phone is for making dates happen. Period. If you are a guy and you’re yapping away on a nightly 3-hour phone conversation with some fine hottie, chances are she’s more interested in you’re company and friendship than what’s in your pants or what you’re lips feel like.  With every long phone conversation that passes without a date being set, you’re digging yourself deeper and deeper into the friend zone. And he’s doing this everyday! I don’t even talk to my mom everyday.

Don’t buy gifts to be sweet if you don’t know if the girl is really into you, and if she IS really into you then guess what…you don’t have to impress her, she already likes you. Dump the Romeo act, it’s tired. Showing a girl how “sweet” you are is a tactic, a trick, and planned attack. We’re trying to make it seem like we’re naturally caring so she falls for it. Think not? Go and try to show someone how incredibly humble you are. If you’re a sweet guy, be yourself and it’ll show, otherwise you’ll either end up broke from buying nonreciprocating gifts or appear creepy/stalkerish.

And if you care more about her auxiliary relationships with members of the other sex than she does yours, then she doesn’t care about having one with you.

The Verdict

In response to Lyle’s question, “… how can I continue to be her friend when I have such intense feelings for her?”, I told him that he can’t. His feelings for her are heavy and her feelings for him are nonexistent. He either needs to remove all romantic feelings for her and cut his loses, or cut his friendship with her off altogether. All the “sweet” things he’s doing for her aren’t done because he’s a nice guy, he’s doing them because he’s a nice guy who likes her and he’s trying to buy his way into her heart. These are things friends don’t do. She’s not going to budge, so Lyle needs to move on.

Discuss.

-The Genius

If this is how your girlfriend reacts, then chances are that you probably think you’re screwed and will just have to deal with the consequences until she blows over. It doesn’t have to be this way. You just have to chain the proper moves together before you score the K.O. There are 5 things that you can do to repair your situation and still be on top and #1 in her book, even AFTER you screw up royally.

1. Don’t (sound like you are telling a) lie. I can’t stress this enough. The first thing that most guys are inclined to do is to try to come up with a bulletproof (and often overly-elaborate) lie to excuse their forgetfulness. This is the recipe for disaster because over the years women have trained themselves to sniff out the bull that spews from our mouths. Men are creatures of habit and as a result our lying patterns have been well documented, studied, published, and distributed in mass. I’m not go into it right now but just know that most women, especially those that know you well, can tell when you are lying  because we are usually either too vague or way too specific.

Instead of doing just that, give her both at the same time. Vague and specific. Look her dead in the eye and tell her something like,

“All my plans fell through, so I had to move it to Thursday”. When she asks you what plans, tell her “If I tell you, it’ll screw it up and I been planning it for like the last 2 weeks. I was hoping somehow you’d forget, or I could work it out before today but, not so much.”

By mentioning a date in the past and locking in a date for the future, you will bring more credibility to your story without really saying anything at all. Hopefully this will provide the mental break and bit of confusion you need to make it to number 2.

2. Control the situation. At this stage, you need to do whatever possible to keep her calm and not thinking about what her friends did for V-day. An easy way to do this is to change the focus from ya’ll to her. Ask her those questions about her that get her thinking. This is where the creativity you should have used in getting a present needs to come in. Make sure that these questions are brought up naturally in conversation, otherwise it’ll look as forced as it really is. The type of question is important too. You know, those questions that you used at the beginning when you were trying to show her you had some substance mentally, or gauge if she had any substance herself. Ask questions that don’t really have any answers like,

“If someone took away everything you had except for one thing, and even though you’d lost everything, just having that one thing would make you happy. What would it be?”. Vacuous questions like that break someone’s train of thought (provided she’s not fuming mad at this point), and get her to think less about the you and more about her.

Hopefully, a few of these will be enough to generate conversation and calm her down and set her up for the next one.

3. Simple is better. After setting up the makeup date and calming her down, suggest something simple that the two of you can do. If it’s not too late at night, rent a movie on Netflix, cook for her, give her a massage, or try to pamper her as much as you can. You need to be the man who wanted to give her everything, but the world was against you, and even then, you are still trying.

4. Hit her with last 15 minutes. This is where you have to start working less and talking more. Women loved to be loved. Moreover, they loved to be loved by someone who loves them. And the only thing they love more than that, is hearing someone they love tell them that. Hopefully you were paying attention to all those chick flicks you’ve watched over the years. More importantly, you should have paid attention to the last 15 minutes of those movies because that is where the gold is. I’m not saying to spew out cliche phrases and lines from Jerry McGuire, but you need to let her know how special she is and lay it on THICK. Even if it’s corny, they will bite.

5. Lay the pipe down. And by pipe, I mean the plan. And by lay it down, I mean complete it. Now that you’re enjoying your alternative Valentine’s Day, don’t screw it up by NOT using the time you created and not planning your makeup date. That’s just dumb. Throughout the week remind her about how excited you are for Thursday. Tomorrow at work, or when she’s doing whatever girls do, get your ass online and figure something out. And oh yeah genius, now you’ve pumped it up so you better make that mess AMAZING!

Or you could just order some flowers and say you’re cash flow’s kinda tight now. Either way.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

You are in the shoe store and become overwhelmed with the vast variety of shoes on display. There are almost too many shoes to choose from: different colors, different fabrics, different heels, flats, stilettos, boots, sneakers, etc….and of course different prices! Some are intriguing, while others do not interest you in the very least.

You come across one pair of shoes. Do they fit? Are they your style? One good way to find out is to try them on….

You ask for your size and the retail clerk brings you a shoebox with a pair of shoes. You gently open the shoebox and pull out one of the two shoes laying ever so neatly in it. Before putting on the shoe, you must first remove the shoe you currently have on and bare your foot. You notice how worn the shoes you are current wearing are. Perhaps it was a good idea to go shoe shopping today??

However, some are afraid of going shoe shopping because they are embarrassed of showing their feet to others. But one must open up and reveal onself because this is the only way to try something new. Or one may rather continue wearing the worn shoes, which will eventually pierce holes through them and will cause feet to blister. This will cause pain….

After deciding it may be a good time to try on some new shoes, you untie the negative strings and gently remove one shoe. You wiggle your toes, arch and flex your foot noticing this feels pretty good. Once your foot is bare, stretched and relaxed, you carefully pull out one of the shoes from the shoebox, and try it on. It fits! You want to see how it looks on you.

You walk over to the mirror to see how the new shoe looks (while still wearing your worn out shoe on the other foot). You like it. It looks good on you. You like how it looks on you. You like the feeling of this new shoe. Fellow customers in the shoe store compliment how great the shoe looks on you. You compare it to your old shoe you are still wearing and wonder why it took you so long to try on new shoes. But before making a decision, you must stop glorifying this one shoe and how it good it looks and try on the second shoe in the box.

While walking back toward the shoebox where the second shoe awaits, you notice a couple of numbers on the shoebox that you did not realize before. It’s the price! OMG! Are you willing to invest in these shoes? Though they feel great and make you feel different in a positive way, are you ready to make a sacrifice to buy these shoes? Maybe you would like to try on the second shoe in the shoe box to make your ultimate decision…

Though shaken by the conflicting feelings of loving how great the shoe looks and uncertainty of taking on the responsibility of the investment, you open the box and unveil the second shoe. It looks exactly like the one you have tried on just from a different perspective. You still like how it looks, but now you have uncovered more information from the pair. You already know you like how the one shoe fits, but you are not sure whether you can invest in this pair. You are willing to try on the second shoe to find out more information about the pair.

More quickly than before, you undo the laces of your worn shoe and bare your foot. You gently pull out the second shoe from the shoebox and slide your foot in it. Now you are wearing the full pair. You stand on both feet and realize you were more balanced than then you were wearing your worn shoe with the one shoe because these shoes have a slight heel. You want to walk towards the mirror again to see how the pair of shoes look on you. They look great! But do they fit your personality?

You start to think about this. Do these shoes fit your personality? You remember that you have always wanted a pair of heels. However, since you have worn your beat up shoes for such a long time, you thought that you would never feel comfortable or used to wearing heels. But the shoes you are wearing now feel great. These shoes are perfect for your because before rushing into getting four inche heels, starting out slow with a slight heel is the best choice for you. Just like a baby crawls before it walks, one must take baby steps before jumping into something completely foreign and new.

After giving it some thought, you decide you are going to take the pair of shoes! You are willing to invest in this pair knowing that it looks great on you, it fits your growing personality, and it will teach you how you walk in heels.

You happily walk back to the bench you have sitting on, you carefully remove the shoes, put them back into the shoebox and put on the worn pair you were wearing. You tell the retail clerk that you will take them. She says it is a great shoe and it is a good choice. She takes the box from you and puts it behind the register.

While you gather you things and walk towards the register, you notice another shoe store across the store you are currently in. There is a BLOWOUT SALE….50% OFF ALL SHOES! Even though you did decide that you were willing to invest in the pair of shoes that you found in this store, you do not want to buy them before checking out the sale in the other store. You know that you do not have to make a big investment in the shoes in the BLOWOUT SALE, and who knows? There might be one just as great as the shoes you just tried on. You walk towards the register and tell the retail clerk that you will be back in a few minutes.

You hurry to the store with the BLOWOUT SALE and see boxes are all over the place. Disorganized, disorderly, people trying on many pairs of shoes at once, and you are looking through the boxes trying to find something similar to the shoe you found in the previous store. Boxes, boxes, boxes…..shoes, shoes, shoes….You notice that there is not as much variety as in the other store, You only see flats, or really high heeled shoes – nothing in between. After looking through many boxes, and trying on many shoes, you are dissatified and did not find a shoe that made you feel like the shoe from the previous store.

After searching for shoes in the BLOWOUT SALE for an hour, you hurry back to the previous store and tell the retail clerk that you still want the shoes that you tried on previously. She apologizes and says that the last pair was just taken ten minutes ago. You look around and you see someone wearing the shoes you previously tried on and happily walking out of the store. This person looked really happy and content with the shoes……while you just missed out in having the shoes that you really wanted, even though they were on your feet one hour ago…….

The moral of the story:

The first shoe represents the body, looks, physicality……
The second shoe represents the soul, personality, and getting to know more…..
The worn shoes represent the baggage from your past and previous relationships…..
The BLOWOUT SALE represents looking for something “better”…..
The pair of shoes represents what you want……..
The price represents investment in relationship……..
The slight heel represents a gradual improvement………
The bare foot represents vulnerability……….
Shoe shopping represents willingness to see something new……
Customer walking out with the pair of shoes you previously tried on represents losing what was yours to keep.

You call me too much. You call me all the damn time and we don’t talk about anything. Nothing. Nothing important or even relatively interesting happened in your life or mine between now and the last time we talked which, in all likelihood, was prolly like 5 hours ago. I’ve tried to just not pick the phone up hoping that you’d get the hint and just try calling back later…like tomorrow. But no, you call right back. No answer. Third times a charm. No, it’s not. It’s not a charm. Four times the phone rings and I pick up to see if it’s some matter of life or death…but it’s not. It’s just you on the other line, alive and well with no new or even interesting old subject matter to discuss. I find myself sometimes almost disappointed that your car hasn’t careened off the side of the road and burst into flames or that you aren’t somehow stuck in a airtight container and are running out of oxygen. No, you’re in pristine health and you have absolutely nothing to say. I make attempts to drive the conversation towards something of mutual interest, but that’s pointless. All I get from my questions of “How’s _______ doing over there?” or “What’s one thing you could change about Cali?”are dull and boring one-word answers of “Fine”and “I dunno” .

I’d rather staple my nuts to a burning building than continue this phone conversation any longer than it has to. And right as I begin talking about something I’m actually interested or excited about, you interrupt me mid-sentence w/ “Hey, I gotta go. Talk to you later.” Click.

This is what I want to tell you but can’t. I can’t because as soon as I tell you that “You call too much”, I know that instead of hearing what I said and just calling slightly less frequent or even just calling when you have something to say, instead you will interpret this as “I hate you. You are undesirable and I want you to never call me again.” Maybe not that exactly, but that’s how it comes off. The truth of the matter is that I actually enjoy hearing your voice and like spending time with you, but what I don’t enjoy is pointless communication because….that is by definition not communication. I’m not even a phone person, so if I’m going to be on the phone, there needs to be some kind of point of the conversation. If it’s gonna be one of those “We talked all night about nothing” kind of conversations, then there needs to be several points or at least some topics of mutual interest. Most people have about 2 major milestones in their day and one of those is work/school. Twenty-four hours is a very short period of time and with a few exceptions out of the year, very little happens in one day. So I don’t need to talk to you everyday, especially if you aren’t my girlfriend or “special friend”.

I’ve thought of about a million ways to tell you this, but each one as useless as the next. I almost wish you were a crazy-ass so I could just never speak to you again, but that’s not the case. For whatever reason, I’d rather put up with this nonsense than have you stop calling me, which you will (because you’re programmed to react like that). Apparently I have an unhealthy addiction to you, and if that means enduring an infinite barrage of meaningless and mind-numbing conversations, then I guess that’s the price I have to pay to feed my obsession. Damn.

::sigh::

You can do better. I was trying to think of a more gentle way to say it but I don’t have to, I’m not your man. Granted, enough time has passed that I am in no way upset that you are seeing someone new (nor is it my place to be so). Honestly, I’m just happy that you aren’t dwelling on the past. It’s not good for you. But then again, neither is your new dude.
Oh, I know he seems good for you, but that’s because he’s safe. As in, were he one of the last five available men on Earth, then yes snatch him up. But I’d be willing to bet that you didn’t snatch or approach him at all. I imagine he noticed you, just happened to say the right thing at the right time and before you knew it… you two were dating. If so, he is lucky to be with you, ’cause… well… you can do better.

Personally, I’m a little offended. See, people tend to date those around the same level of attractiveness as themselves. Thus me being your ex and you dating this dude now is like saying he and I are on the same level (transitive property). And I’ll be d*mned if I get grouped in with him. (Ahem, he “could never-ever, ever-ever, ever-ever…“) I’m not just talking about appearance. In fact, I’m not even sure how offended I should be. I’m not good friends with the guy but from what you’ve told me about him and what I’ve seen, that’s messed up of you. What did I ever do to you? Actually, don’t answer that.

As I said before, it’s not really my place to care about who you date. Besides, knowing you, I doubt I have any sway over your decisions anyway. But (believe it or not) I still care about you. I seriously want you to be happy and want the best for you. I mean, clearly the ‘best’ for you isn’t me but it for D*MN sure ain’t him.
Allow me to explain that. See, I want to meet your new dude and be jealous. I want to hate his guts. I want to wish all the bad things in life happen to him and only him. Why? Because I would know there is no way I could compete or win your heart back from a man like that. You would be completely enraptured with him. You know, a soul mate or at least real close. All of my positives aside, I’m an asshole. We know this, but if at the end of the day you still entertain the idea of being in my arms then you’re f*ckin’ up and unfortunately not literally.

Shoot, I’m tempted to try to steal you back from the new dude just to prove a point, but that would be evil. And though I’m no angel, I don’t have the energy to deal with that drama right now. So instead just think about what I said. I’d sincerely hate for you to miss your Mr. Right because you were stuck with the third runner-up there (in theory, I’m at least second). Even more so, you know I never stay single for long and I promise you that you will walk away from meeting my girl thinking “I hate that b*tch!” Trust me. I don’t mess around… well… you know what I mean.

Anyway, next time you’re with ole buddy just ask yourself, “can I do better?” You know I know those doubtful moments are coming anyhow. Really, I don’t mean this to come off as bashing him. I’m sure he’s a great guy and will make someone very happy one day, but in your case, dating him just plain isn’t doing yourself justice. You know good and well how great you are. Yes, I am admitting it. So why step down? If you are going to make a mistake like that then you might as well pick the lesser of evils and be with me, again. And we both know that won’t happen ’cause…

…exactly.

The truth of the matter is that I personally want to continue to get to know these said individuals but for several reasons, I continue to put off calling them until, of course, too much time passes and I’m like “forget it”. I spoke to one of my male friends and he too had the same bad habit of not calling girls back. I conducted a mini-survey and apparently this is a problem that about 1 out of every 3 guys is guilty of at some point  (some more habitual than others). In my research, many of the guys could not pinpoint the exact reason why they don’t call back someone who they’re actually interested in, but here are the most common rationalizations:

• “I keep remembering to call too late” - This, I admit, is my main problem. My schedule with time usually peaks activity in the wee hours of the night, a time in which most sane individuals are asleep. By the time I “remember” to give pretty lady a phone call, she’s probably already in bed or getting ready to go. “I’ll call her tomorrow” is what I usually say. Wash. Rinse. Repeat. Fail.
• “I don’t wanna like lead her on or something” – Cuz I’m not tryina be nobody’s boyfriend. This is a funny excuse. A lot of times guys think that the world revolves around them and that just because a girl seems interested in you, that means she wants to marry you. On the opposite side of my research, many of the girls I talked to said that sometimes when she gives her number to a guy, sometimes it just means that they think that guy is interesting, funny, or just cool. It doesn’t always mean that she wants to pursue a physical or emotional relationship. When we sometimes jump the gun, I think in a way we kinda trivialize the mental of the female gender, and that’s not exactly playing nice.
• “If I don’t try, I won’t get rejected” – The excuse guys are usually reluctant to admit. Among the men interviewed, a significant amount of them stated that they somehow felt that being able to charm the girl at the initial meeting was lucky or that they set such a high standard for themselves. When it’s time to call her back, he gets scared that he may not be able to live up to what she expects (or what he thinks she expects) either because he’s too much of a punkass, or because she intimidates him, or both.
• “I’m not a phone person, but I’ll text her to oblivion” – This is me too (kinda). I don’t like selling myself over the phone. And this is not just with dating, this is with everything. I can charm the hell outta an interviewer in person, but my phone presence during phone interviews is extra whack. I’m apparently not alone. Many guys don’t like talking on the phone. As men, when we call each other, it’s very procedural and with a clear and finite purpose. Ex) “Hey! What time are we gonna meet up?” “I dunno? Eight?”, “Ok, I’ll call when I’m downstairs”, “Make sure you come the back way”, “Aight”, “Yeh” End of Call. Calling someone we don’t really know to talk about nothing doesn’t seem to make sense when that person hasn’t given us much reason yet to talk to them. But texting! Procedural and straight to the point with a clear and finite purpose. Guys’ phone conversations with each other align perfectly with a typical text message convo. The downside is, when a guy usually only asks a girl straight forward questions about “where are you?” “do you wanna hang out/come over?”, this can be easily misinterpreted. More than half the females interviewed said that when a guy is only texting about meeting and not asking how there day is or questions like that, that can be seen as him just wanting to get laid when this very well may not be the case.

Let me make this 100% clear. All these excuses are bullshit and there probably is no good reason as to why a good third of us guys do this, only 1/2 ass rationalizations for irrational actions. What’s even worse is when we are talking to females and everything’s going good and then suddenly just….stop. But tha’s probably a whole new topic and question for another time. What is it about the male psyche that makes us act this way?

Males are supposedly the more logic-oriented sex, whereas women are more intuition-oriented in there decision making processes. After all the interviews, I’m still perplexed as to why we do this. Why do we sometimes not call her if we are actually interested? Is there an actual reason that we’ve missed?

Gotta figure this one out, until then…guess I’m still the worst person on the planet.

Speak….

I have a problem w/ interracial dating, but it’s not for the reasons you think. I’m gonna just jump right into this so buckle up sistas. I’m a 26 yr old black man with two degrees and a well-paying job. No, I’m not bragging, but this will become relevant later. I’m not against interracial relationships, I just have problems with what seems to be a growing percentage of them….and it’s you boo.

Yes, black woman, it’s you. I know that statistically I’m an anomaly. But more and more of my twenty-something year old female friends are growing tired of there “Not being enough good men” around. In their growing frustration, and in their ever-growing wisdom, they come up with the grandaddy of all resolutions, “I’m gonna date outside my race!“. I personally don’t see the problem w/ expanding your horizons and opening up your options, but far too often what this really means is “I’m gonna find a white guy, cuz brotha’s is f$%kin’ up!”. Why are these women acting like they’re 35? Seriously?

My friend, let’s call her “Karen”, is a prime example. After talking to Karen and asking her why she sees that as a solution, she informs me that

“All my previous relationships have turned out horrible, and statistically, black men lead white men in domestic abuse by [insert high number]%. White men just care and treat us sistas better. If black men can’t treat me right and commit, then I’m going to jump ship. Black men mess w/ white girls all the time, why shouldn’t I?”

Now the reason this pisses me off is that what this does is that it subconsciously puts the white man above a black man, and in their mind, “better”. Better for them, better in bed, better for marriage, just better. More importantly, it means that when they pass by me and a white man, they will choose him because he is “statistically better” than myself. What the hell did I do? I don’t care what the numbers say or the statistics. I’m me. But not to make it all about me, this is also dangerous for the woman.

This is because she’s setting herself up for failure, disguised as success. No doubt that dating a white man will be a very different experience, but in that experience, the woman already comes into the relationship with a predisposition to label this new relationship that is different, as better. This is amplified if the couple has a good run. All of a sudden, her hunch is verified and she’s off running spreading the word to all her girlfriends that she’s found the Dead Sea Scrolls. In actuality, he’s just indulging in a chocolate fantasy. Okay, lemme not be bitter. Whether he likes her for her or for her sweet chocolate lovin’, what she’s done is possibly overlooked the very flaws that have gotten her rejected from black men in the first place.

Back to Karen. Karen started dating a white man about a week after she made her declaration and they were together for a while. She swears that it’s because white men treat sistas better, but what she doesn’t understand is that Karen has some issues. Karen is crazy. More specifically, she’s a hyper-empowered overly independent, afro-chick. We all know what I mean by that. Karen is the kind of person that will yell at a man for holding the door open for her cuz “I don’t need to be dominated as the weaker gender by the likes of you“ . What’s sad, is that’s an actual quote. Black men don’t wanna pick fights for no reason every 2-3 seconds, and I highly doubt any man does. So Karen’s biggest turn off is her paranoia of becoming submissive (or compromising). She overlooked her flaw because she just figured it had to be that black dudes don’t know how to treat a woman, and white dudes do (consciously or subconsciously).

Ladies, if you’re gonna date a white man, please…please date a man…who happens to be white. Don’t do it cuz you wanna get your groove back, or because you’re “done” w/ brothas. I love you all too much to see ya’ll sell yourselves short by not addressing your problems. As a comedian once said “If you’re 35 talkin bout ‘Men ain’t sh$#!’, then it’s you boo.” Fix yourself and stop being so jaded. Karen got dumped by the dude after he wrecked shop all up in that chocolate. I’m not saying that this is gonna happen, I’m just saying that’s what happened to Karen. Because Karen is crazy.

Discuss…